Pebble Time Watch Faces

One of my favorite new pastimes is spending time creating the Pebble Time watch faces and the popular Pebble Classic watch faces. There is a certain amount of gratification when creating the watch faces, personal enjoyment building them, hundreds of downloads, and exposure. All the Pebble Time watch faces that are created are crafted and thought out. Every dial, marking, and even the logo or theme has been designed for brightness and clarity on the small Pebble surface area.

You can create Pebble watch faces several ways. The first is to use the popular and standard programming language “C”  plus use the Pebble compiler or create images and use the Pebble watch face Generator which currently only supports black and white. There is also a color version watch face generator but it is very primitive and offers zero useful features. Whatever method you use, have fun with it. Nothing like using your own watch face that you created on your Pebble. The Pebble staff have also put up some great tutorials on how to build your own custom watch faces.

Pebble Time Watch Faces Need a Watch

All this is great and wonderful but you also need to purchase the watch. Yes, this is a plug for a great company with a new set of great watches coming out in the next few months. Pebble.com Pebble Time 2 , Pebble Classic 2, and Pebble Core. Great time to purchase the orginal classic or Pebble Time.




Official Bulux Tubmariner Watch Face

The Official Bulux Tubmariner analog watch face. Yes, it’s a spoof on the classic Rolex Submariner. Many hours were spent fine-tuning every detail. Everything from the day of the week to the current date. Image created with Photoshop, even the Rolex fonts were used. Have fun and let me know how I can improve this. TUBMARINER 33ft x 3 / 3atm PEBBLE CERTIFIED. Why Bulux? A British cuss word that has no definite meaning. Cannot be used as an insult. Example: Bulux! While hitting your hand with a hammer. The American equivalent would be Sh_t or F_ck.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Official Bulux

 

Crystal Clear Time Original

Quality and clarity is the key when reading the time. I mean if its hard to see, what’s the point. This was created with Photoshop and is super easy to read. Handsome and simple with the date always showing. Enjoy…

Now Offering the White Version because the black original version is so popular.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Black Version

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble White Version

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Dump Trump Pebble Watch Face

America is already Great…Simple Digital Dump Trump watch face that is guaranteed to start a conversation …show your support and sport this political statement. It Also comes in a full-color version.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Dump Trump 

Splat Analog Watch Face

Splat? What a mess…comes with an analog dial plus date on the lower left, digital time on the lower right corner.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Splat Analog

Time Up In Flames

Great graphic that is easily visible. Time moves so fast that at times it feels like it is up in flames. Displays seconds on the upper right-hand corner.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Splat Analog

HiFi Digital System

High fidelity digital system was great fun to create. On the top row, we have the Bluetooth and battery indicators. The second-row sports the date, the third row shows the time, and the bottom row shows the seconds. Great fun creating this classic and very popular watch face.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble HiFi Stereo Watch Face

Analog Adventurer Two

Simple analog design with a battery indicator at the three o’clock position. Sporty and elegant watch face. Once again very easy to read. Looks great on Pebble Classic and Pebble Time.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Adventurer Two

Digital Speed Watch Face

Digital speedometer watch face. Simple but effective. Also available in color for Pebble Time.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Digital Speed

View All Watch Faces by Nicolas Ray

Before and After of Small Deck

Before image of slate antiquated slate steps.

The idea was to mask the unsightly tiny poorly constructed slate exterior steps that never had a real purpose. Besides the steps, the client was also accosted with a primitive half oval basement window that besides being an eyesore, could have been a risk with small children. I was asked to design and build a small 6’x5′ wooden deck.

The removal of the steps would have been messy and expensive, so I decided to use them as the start of my framing. Nailing a series of pressure treated 2’x4’s around the perimeter to establish my square baseline. Building and framing from the top down seemed the only option for a square even result. Using pressure treated 5’1/2″ blanks I completed the top of the deck area, spacing out the rafters at 16″ inch intervals. Then the risers were built and the math worked out to four steps, the last one closes to the ground had an additional 2″ piece that was attached and scribed to accommodate the uneven slate. [su_divider top=”no”][su_divider top=”no”][/su_divider]

After Image of completed Deck, New Door and custom flower boxes.

The risers were primed twice, and two additional coats of Benjamin soft gloss was applied. The tops decking was just coated with a tinted waterproofing which has since been darkened a few more shades. Came out well, considering that it is a free floating deck. Very solid and really completes the surrounding area. The new flower boxes that I built plus the interior patio area that was also completed with a fresh new facelift.

The Total cost of materials for the deck including finish paints came out to just over two hundred plus 4 days of labor.

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Can not resist adding some classic Deck Humor…Enjoy

Just Rants

Donald Trump Also Can’t Stand The Steve Bannon Impression On ‘SNL

I’m just about ready for this second debate, although not without trepidation. The RNC and America’s top Republicans urged Trump to demonstrate contrition. His supporters, we hear, encouraged him to double down on his misogyny and lack of character by using Bill Clinton’s alleged misdeeds to de-emphasize the seriousness of his own. Clearly, he has listened to his supporters. I can’t imagine how Priebus, Ryan, and Pence will react tomorrow.

Donald’s answer to the tax question is to eliminate the provision for carried interest. That is to say, the general partner of a limited partnership has their income taxed as capital gains, even though they haven’t actually invested their own money. That’s the only provision he references – not the income tax rate – not the special deals for the real estate industry – not the inheritance tax deals. In point of fact, Trump uses business losses to fund deals in which he insists on getting paid up front – so the losses come from his partners, while he makes both money and a tax benefit. It’s the longest con imaginable.

Donald Trump is an idiot. How the American public can reconcile their support for this man and still consider their conscience clean and leaning towards a religious nature to be true is a stain upon their souls.

He lies so often, and defiles the higher nature of every person willing to stand by him.

That’s okay DT, not many folks like your impression of a President.

The EPA was just directed to freeze all grants. This means that graduate students and researchers funded on EPA funds are now without funds. All ongoing studies are stopped.
Scientists at the EPA and USDA are also blocked from communicating with the press or through the internet.
It all happened in a moment with a memo, by executive action, with zero input or oversight.
It could happen to any Federal institute, including the National Science Foundation, which funds research at universities around the country — including the health insurance and living stipends of many, many students. Trump also froze all federal hiring yesterday.
Please, if you can safely raise your voice, raise it loudly. Call your congresspeople, call the White House, write op-eds and articles and blog posts. AND TWEET This is only Day 4.
(Share widely– copy and paste is best to share with people outside our common friends. I did not write this. It was copied and pasted from a scientist who wants to remain anonymous. The fear of retaliation is real.)

Damage to American Democracy by Trump

(AND IT’S ONLY NOON, people)
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the DOJ’s Violence Against Women programs.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the National Endowment for the Humanities.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Minority Business Development Agency.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Economic Development Administration.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the International Trade Administration.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Manufacturing Extension Partnership.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Office of Community Oriented Policing Services.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Legal Services Corporation.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Civil Rights Division of the DOJ.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Environmental and Natural Resources Division of the DOJ.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Overseas Private Investment Corporation.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Office of Electricity Deliverability and Energy Reliability.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Office of Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Office of Fossil Energy.
* On January 20th, 2017, DT ordered all regulatory powers of all federal agencies frozen.
* On January 20th, 2017, DT ordered the National Parks Service to stop using social media after RTing factual, side by side photos of the crowds for the 2009 and 2017 inaugurations.
* On January 20th, 2017, roughly 230 protestors were arrested in DC and face unprecedented felony riot charges. Among them were legal observers, journalists, and medics.
* On January 20th, 2017, a member of the International Workers of the World was shot in the stomach at an anti-fascist protest in Seattle. He remains in critical condition.
* On January 21st, 2017, DT brought a group of 40 cheerleaders to a meeting with the CIA to cheer for him during a speech that consisted almost entirely of framing himself as the victim of dishonest press.
* On January 21st, 2017, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer held a press conference largely to attack the press for accurately reporting the size of attendance at the inaugural festivities, saying that the inauguration had the largest audience of any in history, “period.”
* On January 22nd, 2017, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway defended Spicer’s lies as “alternative facts” on national television news.
* On January 22nd, 2017, DT appeared to blow a kiss to director James Comey during a meeting with the FBI, and then opened his arms in a gesture of strange, paternal affection, before hugging him with a pat on the back.
* On January 23rd, 2017, DT reinstated the global gag order, which defunds international organizations that even mention abortion as a medical option.
* On January 23rd, 2017, Spicer said that the US will not tolerate China’s expansion onto islands in the South China Sea, essentially threatening war with China.
* On January 23rd, 2017, DT repeated the lie that 3-5 million people voted “illegally” thus costing him the popular vote.
* On January 23rd, 2017, it was announced that the man who shot the anti-fascist protester in Seattle was released without charges, despite turning himself in.
* On January 24th, 2017, Spicer reiterated the lie that 3-5 million people voted “illegally” thus costing DT the popular vote.
* On January 24th, 2017, DT tweeted a picture from his personal Twitter account of a photo he says depicts the crowd at his inauguration and will hang in the White House press room. The photo is of the 2009 inauguration of 44th President Barack Obama, and is curiously dated January 21st, 2017, the day AFTER the inauguration and the day of the Women’s March, the largest inauguration related protest in history.
* On January 24th, 2017, the EPA was ordered to stop communicating with the public through social media or the press and to freeze all grants and contracts.
* On January 24th, 2017, the USDA was ordered to stop communicating with the public through social media or the press and to stop publishing any papers or research. All communication with the press would also have to be authorized and vetted by the White House.
* On January 24th, 2017, HR7, a bill that would prohibit federal funding not only to abortion service providers, but to any insurance coverage, including Medicaid, that provides abortion coverage, went to the floor of the House for a vote.
* On January 24th, 2017, Director of the Department of Health and Human Service nominee Tom Price characterized federal guidelines on transgender equality as “absurd.”
* On January 24th, 2017, DT ordered the resumption of construction on the Dakota Access Pipeline, while the North Dakota state congress considers a bill that would legalize hitting and killing protestors with cars if they are on roadways.
* On January 24th, 2017, it was discovered that police officers had used confiscated cell phones to search the emails and messages of the 230 demonstrators now facing felony riot charges for protesting on January 20th, including lawyers and journalists whose email accounts contain privileged information of clients and sources. (from a friend)

Please share… If you want more people to actually read it, copy and paste. I still can’t believe what is on this list. Thank you for reading… It is long but important…

Defining Trump Presidency – Tyrant

A tyrant, in its modern English usage, is an absolute ruler unrestrained by law or person, or one who has usurped legitimate sovereignty. Often described as a cruel character, a tyrant defends his position by oppressive means, tending to control almost everything in the state. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyrant

Dumb Coal Miners Will Lose Obamacare Benefits

01/04/2017 – Who ever said coal miners are smart…dah, they voted for Trump with the promise of coal mining jobs but didn’t think it through. Currently, black lung benefits exist via Obamacare, but with the repeal of the insurance plan, coal miners will loose all benefits. By the way, coal is dead and should be phased out like most civilized countries have done or will be doing in the very near future. Washington Pos

Drain the swamp” was a refrain of Donald Trump during the presidential campaign, but Newt Gingrich says the president-elect “doesn’t want to use it anymore” now that he’s knee-deep in alligators.

Donald Trump the Con Man

Donald’s answer to the tax question is to eliminate the provision for carried interest. That is to say, the general partner of a limited partnership has their income taxed as capital gains, even though they haven’t actually invested their own money. That’s the only provision he references – not the income tax rate – not the special deals for the real estate industry – not the inheritance tax deals.. In point of fact, Trump uses business losses to fund deals in which he insists on getting paid up front – so the losses come from his partners, while he makes both money and a tax benefit. It’s the longest con imaginable.

Donald Trump is an idiot. How the American public can reconcile their support for this man and still consider their conscience clean and leaning towards a religious nature to be true is a stain upon their souls.

He lies so frequently and defiles the higher nature of every person willing to stand by him.

2015 Pigments Painting Award

Front Door Restoration Stamford

The goal of this project is to create a more impressive front door entrance and more importantly preserve and protect the area from the harsh New England seasons. The interior of the Stamford, Ct house has been restored and upgraded to reflect the personality of the new owners. The process now continues to the exterior of the home with a new stone back entrance and new custom fence. Welcome to Pigments Painting and the restoration of the front door area.[su_divider]

Removal of Storm Door

The first step was the careful removal of the storm door that would be later used in the back of the house. Fortunately, the door was off very high quality and a substantial door in excellent new condition, probably weighing in at one hundred pounds with the glass in place. With that being said, the first thing was to remove the glass to reduce the load on the screws and prevent breakage. Then it was a question of removing all the screws. Total time for removal was about thirty minutes. I discarded all the screws and plan to use new ones when it’s time to reinstall the door in its new location. Now to stage two of the project…[su_divider]

Preliminary Stripping of Front Door Woodwork

The main idea when stripping is go for bulk and then go back and fine tune. Starting the stripping of the white panels and side windows since they need to be repaired and had the most noticeable damage. I opted to use a Milwaukee heat gun as opposed to using stripper which can be costly, usually slower, and caustic. At first I set the heat gun to its coolest temperature which is about 800 degrees without much success. Setting it to its highest temperature, about 1200 degrees, the paint layers started to bubble and scrape away with ease. The layers probably consisted of about five layers of paint leaving just the soft prime coat and the wood grain visible.[su_divider]

 Precautions When Working Around Glass

When working with heat or stripper especially around windows or glass panels, I tend to spend a few minutes figuring out what the safest way to accomplish the task is. Heat seems to not mix well with glass plus you can also scratch the panes when using the scraper. In this situation I cut out an exact fitting wood template that fit snugly in the glass panes. You still have to be cautious but the process moves much faster and with greater accuracy,[su_divider]

 

 

Spanish Translation

Frente de la puerta Restauración

El objetivo de este proyecto es crear un mundo más impresionante entrada de la puerta principal y más importante preservar y proteger el área de las duras temporadas de Nueva Inglaterra. El interior de la casa Stamford, CT ha sido restaurado y actualizado para reflejar la personalidad de los nuevos propietarios. El proceso continúa ahora en el exterior de la casa con una nueva entrada trasera piedra y nueva cerca personalizado. Bienvenido a pigmentos de pintura y la restauración de la zona de la puerta delantera.

La eliminación de la puerta contra tormentas

El primer paso fue la cuidadosa eliminación de la puerta de la tormenta que se utilizaría más adelante en la parte posterior de la casa. Afortunadamente, la puerta estaba fuera de muy alta calidad y una puerta sustancial de nuevo excelente, probablemente, con un peso de cien libras con el vidrio en su lugar. Con eso se dice, lo primero que iba a quitar el vidrio para reducir la carga sobre los tornillos y evitar que se rompan. Entonces era una cuestión de la eliminación de todos los tornillos. El tiempo total para la eliminación de unos treinta minutos. Descarté todos los tornillos y el plan para utilizar los nuevos cuando es el momento de volver a instalar la puerta en su nueva ubicación. Ahora a la segunda etapa del proyecto …

Preliminar de desmontaje de elaboración de la madera

La idea principal es ir al pelar para granel y después volver atrás y afinar. A partir de la extracción de los paneles blancos y ventanas laterales, ya que tendrá que ser reparado y tenía el daño más notable. He optado por utilizar una pistola de calor Milwaukee en lugar de utilizar separador que puede ser costoso, por lo general más lento, y cáustico. Al principio me puse la pistola de aire caliente a su temperatura más fría que está a unos 800 grados sin mucho éxito. Si lo establece a su temperatura más alta, alrededor de 1200 grados, las capas de pintura comenzaron a burbujear y raspar con facilidad. Las capas probablemente consistían en unos cinco capas de pintura dejando sólo la capa de preparación suave y la veta de la madera visible.

Precauciones al trabajar cerca de vidrio

Cuando se trabaja con calor o separador especialmente alrededor de las ventanas o paneles de vidrio, tiendo a pasar unos minutos averiguar lo la forma más segura para realizar la tarea es. El calor parece no se mezcle bien con el vidrio además de que también puede rayar los cristales cuando se utiliza el raspador. En esta situación, recorté una plantilla de madera ajuste exacto en el que encaja perfectamente en los paneles de vidrio. Usted todavía tiene que ser prudente, pero el proceso se mueve mucho más rápido y con mayor precisión,  

Perfect Dog Chloe

Thought I would spend three minutes and give my dog her brief moment in the internet spotlight. My Perfect Dog Chloe. Pretty much never does anything wrong ever, which is just great with me. As all dogs are creatures of habit and routines, Chloe is not exempt from that. Starts the day still sleeping in her cozy tent from Ikea (Children’s Dept), but the second she catches any movement from me (5:30 am) she jumps on the bed and wants to get inside the sheets.  Time for her first outing for a quick one, morning treat, and back to bed. Coffee time for me, shower, and a half hour of computer time before heading out to work. Chloe pretty much goes with me to almost every job site and loves all my clients and the family dogs. Plays and follows me around for most of the time, then she seems to get bored and kick back somewhere.

Clean up time, pack it up, and she is ready for the commute home. Play for a bit and its dinner time around 6 pm. One of her habits is spreading her food around, not the tidiest dog when it comes to dinner. I think she knows that it bothers me because I clean it every day. Now it’s quiet time, a bit of computer time, dinner, and fast walk. She gets a piece of dog bacon every day sometime after dinner and never finishes dinner until she eats the bacon, pretty funny habit.

That concludes the thrilling life of my perfect dog, Chloe…one side not she loves to ride longboards with me in the late evening, although she has not gone solo as of yet.

Have a perfect weekend

Sincerely,

Chloe Ray

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Letter that Chloe wrote that was included in a present to a friend

 

Hello Name Deleted

Found this when Nicolas took me to the pet store…

I know that you miss your crazy dog…

You do realize she is always trying to eat me…

Anyways, I digress off into random tangents…

Please enjoy your cheap substitute for the real thing…

On the good points, no feeding or cleaning up messes that come out of both ends. Yes, very crude…but still funny.

I miss you tons, I remember that you were always very sweet when you saw me. I think Nicolas misses the two of you also.

He did also mention that you just got hitched…

Talk about being out the loop, no one told me. Ouch!

So a really big congratulations to you and Dillon.  

Love and whatever humans say next.

Affectionately,

Chloe

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Funny Farm – A COW STORY Silly Creative Story

The sun rose over the farm again…

Cow noticed that it kept doing that. She was thankful really, even though it hurt her eyes. While it was dark, Farmer made Sheep make strange noises and Cow always wondered if she was next. Then there were also roving bands of drunken rednecks with nothing better to do than tip over poor sleeping Cow. She had never done anything to them. Nothing that she could recall, at least.

Rooster was on the fence again. He was probably going to crow soon. He looked busy cleaning his rifle. He always cleaned his rifle in the morning. Sheep said that he brought that rifle back from Vietnam with him. He would crow after he finished cleaning it, most likely.

Farmer was still in the house. He always slept late on Sundays. Cow wondered where he went every Sunday morning wearing the same suit that he had worn to Goat’s planting. Was he going to plantings at other farms? It was hard to be sure. Farmer was very odd. Sometimes he smoked without being on fire. Anything was possible with him.

Cow stood by the fence watching the house and barn. She usually stood there at this time of day. She liked to watch everyone go through their morning routine. She looked forward to grain from Farmer, too. But it was watching that kept her there. She had a few ideas on how to turn this farm into a highly profitable business. If she could only find a pen and some paper, she would draw them out for Farmer. She knew Farmer would never listen to her ideas, but she still wanted to draw them out for him.
[su_vimeo url=”https://vimeo.com/51916447″]

The Disappearance of Mouse…

Cat came running out of the overgrown front yard and crouched by a fence post near Cow. She looked around suspiciously. “Cow, have you seen Mouse?” Cat asked in a smooth whisper. This question perplexed Cow. Almost every day, she saw Cat eat poor Mouse, or at least mutilate him and toss him around. And every day, Mouse came back. It seemed like Mouse was beyond planting, unlike poor Goat. Sometimes she wondered if there might be more than one Mouse. ( Not that she couldn’t count. Cow knew calculus. She just needed to see more than one Mouse together in order to be certain.)

“Sorry, Cat. I haven’t seen Mouse since you ate him yesterday,” Cow replied. Cat stopped stalking and sat up.

“Drats. Oh, well. You know I found another car in the front yard this morning?” Cat asked, knowing that no one would have told Cow yet. “It is near the porch, where that big bush is.”

“How many is that now?” Cow wondered aloud, staring at the bush. Cat always found cars in Farmer’s front yard. Cow could not see them; the grass was too high. She wouldn’t mind eating that grass, now that she thought about it. “I’m not sure. I think there are four.” Cat cocked her head. She was terrible with numbers. She couldn’t do calculus, and she only barely grasped algebra and trigonometry. But Cow didn’t expect much from an animal that spent the better part of the day licking her butt. She liked Cat anyway. It was fun to watch her chase Mouse or the little bugs.

Dog Chases Cat…

A distant barking rang out and began to close on the two animals. Cat jumped to her feet with her back hunched, hair standing on end. Cow just looked. It was Dog. Cow didn’t like Dog, or the way that he chased Cat.”Gotta run, Cow,” Cat meowed as she darted toward the nearest tree.

“Cat! Get Cat!” Dog howled as slobber flung from his mouth. He was so intent on catching Cat that he smacked into the tree. Solid wood cracking his skull, didn’t hurt his wits any. He immediately began jumping up, trying to snap at Cat, who was out of reach and hissing down at him.

Dog couldn’t make complete sentences. He reminded Cow of Farmer. Those two were best friends. The only big difference was that Farmer didn’t lick himself; at least, not where Cow could see anyway. How did Farmer clean himself on Saturday nights? Another mystery, Cow thought. Dog barked for several moments, then he ran toward the back of the house. He had that irritating, drooling smile on his face. He was proud of having chased poor Cat.

Farmer Finds Roosters Whiskey…

Rooster was not on the fence anymore, but his gun was leaning against a post. He was nowhere in sight. He had to have finished cleaning his gun already. Why hadn’t he crowed, yet? He might lose his job over this. The sun was clearly in the ‘up’ position now. He might have gone to the top of the barn, where he kept his corn whiskey distillery hidden from Farmer.

Suddenly, there was yelling inside the barn. It was Farmer. A few chews later, Rooster came running, almost flying, out of the barn. Farmer chased him ten paces outside, then stopped.

“You better run, damned Rooster!” Farmer threatened. “Don’t you never attack me no more! I’ll have you for supper!” Rooster ran into the thick, dark grasses of the front yard. Cat said that Rooster usually had Vietnam flashbacks in there. Cow hoped he would be alright. He was strange sometimes. Cow had no idea who ‘Charlie’ was, but Rooster was awful angry at him.

Farmer must have found Rooster’s whiskey. He would have to move it again. Rooster used to share with Farmer, but Farmer always drank it all. Cow didn’t blame Rooster for not wanting to share anymore. Farmer always had been selfish.

No Grain Feed For Cow

Farmer went back into the barn and emerged with a bucket. He looked around for a few seconds. He had poor eyesight, Cow knew. Then he began stumbling his way toward Cow. It was finally grain time. About fifteen feet from the fence, Farmer tripped over an old, rusted bicycle frame. He fell face down in the grass. He used words that Cow had no use for as he looked at the scattered grain on the ground. “I guess you won’t have no grain today,” Farmer decided. What? Couldn’t he just get more? Cow knew something about buckets: they could be filled many times.

As Farmer turned to apparently go towards the house, Cow spoke, causing him to stop and turn back.”Excuse me, Farmer. I would very much appreciate a dietary supplement of grain on this fine day. Unless you are late for your Sunday planting?” Farmer looked at Cow for a few seconds. He hated it when Cow spoke with superior, if not perfect, grammar skills. The anger was plain on his face.”Shut yer yap, Cow. A’fore I decide to have burgers for sup with my rooster.”

Cow knew Farmer was habitually rude. Everyone disliked that about Farmer, though Sheep said he had worse habits. She tried again to ask for grain in a polite tone”Farmer, sir. I would greatly appreciate it if you could find the time before you attend your Sunday planting to acquire another bucket of grain for myself.” That was as polite as Cow could possibly summon in the face of rudeness.

Farmer seemed confused for a moment. He mumbled something about ‘plantings’ and shook his head. Then he thought for a minute (it usually took him at least a minute to think). His face turned red. Either he was choking or he was angry. Cow assumed the latter. Although, Farmer had turned that color the day after Turkey had disappeared into the house. That day, Farmer had stayed red for a full minute before coughing up a ball of something. It could have been what Cat called a ‘hairball.’ It had been difficult to judge from the pasture. If it was a hairball, then perhaps Farmer did lick himself on Saturday nights after all.

“Dag-blamed Cow! I’m the man! I said no grain!” Farmer shouted. Spit flew from his mouth. He looked a lot like Dog right then. Oddly, he smelled like Sheep. Cow was losing her patience. Farmer always acted superior for no good reason. Perhaps, Farmer had learned this erroneous behavior from Farmer’s Wife. It was known all around the farm that Farmer’s Wife consulted the great Oprah box within a large chamber in the house. It was said by Cat that this ‘Oprah’ was the one that convinced Farmer’s Wife to journey to the mailbox and never return. Cow couldn’t see much farther than the mailbox, so that is where it looked like she had gone.

“Then let me out, Farmer. I’ll get the damned grain myself!” Cow wasn’t sure from where within herself those harsh words had sprung. She felt irritated suddenly by Farmer’s attitude. Goat used to say that stupidity was contagious and all humans were infected. Cow’s mind wondered for a second, though. Why hadn’t a goat tree or vine grown where goat had been planted? Another mystery. “What?!” Screamed Farmer incredulously. “Us humans is God’s greatest creation! You blasphemous cow! Don’t you never talk to me again! You were made to feed us humans!”

Cow always thought this was flawed logic. Humans were someone’s greatest creation? Goat had explained how humans were required to attend institutions of learning, where they mostly learned to make paper flying devices, slept, exchanged gossip, made fun of one another, and after twelve years they graduated. This was mandatory training to be a human. Then most of them, barely able to speak clearly or perform mathematics, found some menial task to perform out there beyond the mailbox. They knew little of the science that they claimed to master. They mostly drank intoxicants and sat around the great Oprah box grazing on packaged food.

Cow didn’t know how to operate a VCR, but she didn’t want to either. Watching that box made her sleepy. Rather than consult Oprah, she usually stood in the pasture contemplating the significance of infinity. Farmer interrupted her train of thought.

“Another word out of you, cow, and I’ve had it!”

“I take it that this means I’m not getting that grain.” Cow stated flatly. Farmer practically roared. He may have been speaking. Perhaps it was some secret farm language that Cow had never learned. Farmer had made the same sounds, once before, when he had dropped a concrete block on his foot. Cow didn’t see any concrete blocks around “That’s it cow! I’m going’ to make burgers out of you!” Farmer declared as he stormed off into the barn.

The Rooster, The Cow, The Chainsaw…

It was then that Cow noticed something moving from the high grass in the front yard. It looked like a patch of weeds and twigs…It was Rooster. He had covered himself in foilage again. He moved five or ten feet, then stopped and crouched down. What was he doing? Cat had left the tree. Cow wished she could ask Cat.

Farmer emerged from the barn with a chainsaw in one hand and a rope in the other. Cow eyed him suspiciously. Farmer had already cut his tree chunks for the wintertime. She didn’t like the look on his face. Farmer could be quite idiotic when he was angry. He would sometimes hit Farmer’s Wife if she didn’t do what he told, especially if he had been into Rooster’s whiskey. He had used more of that flawed logic then, too. He had rambled something about him being “the man” and that she would “do what he said.” Goat had said shortly after one of those incidents that this God fellow should really check his blueprints. Cow didn’t know who God was, or even why he left blue footprints behind, but Goat had once said that God was man’s greatest creation; next to the tractor, of course. Cow had seen several tractors. She had yet to see God.

Farmer yanked the cord and started his chainsaw motor as he came to stand before Cow “Now, let’s hear you say something else!”

Cow felt uncomfortable. This was the last thing Farmer had said to Goat on that Sunday last year, before he had ran over him with his rusty pickup truck (which was now lost in the front yard). Cow didn’t want to get planted, too. What was it Goat had responded with? Cow didn’t want to say the same thing. Oh, now she remembered. Goat had chosen that moment to challenge Farmer to a spelling contest. Farmer hadn’t been able to spell truck, but he sure could drive one.

“Nothing to say? I’m your master cow. It’s about time that you realized that.” Cow was confused again. She wasn’t aware of Farmer being a ‘master.’ If he hadn’t put this fence around her, she would graze just fine on her own. If she could open the gate with her hooves, she would. It was all clear now, though. This jerk kept her penned in this area on purpose. She had always thought that he was just too stupid to realize that he had accidentally locked her in there every day. There wasn’t that much to graze on in the pasture. She had to depend on hay and grain to keep from getting hungry. It was not her fault that he forced her to depend on him for food. That fence packed a mean wallop. Goat called it ‘electrified.’ He had said it was the same ‘juice’ that made the great Oprah box speak. Cow didn’t understand much about electricity; the grass grew just fine without it.

“Just what I thought. Dumb animals don’t have much to say when you put a chainsaw to their skulls,” Farmer said with pride. He may have been calming down. Cow was still irritated about being locked up on purpose. She had felt sorry for that pathetic moron. Now, she was getting angrier and angrier. She had almost forgiven him for running over Goat. Farmer was so stupid that it should be a crime against nature, she finally decided. Cat ran from the tall grass and dove under the front porch. She knew trouble when she saw it. Where was Rooster now that she saw cat? Rooster was nowhere to be seen, and his rifle wasn’t leaning on the fence post any longer.

“Farmer, I don’t think you have any right to threaten me with that chainsaw. I must protest. Call the sheriff.” Cow knew Farmer’s Wife had called the sheriff many times. He was not very intimidating; no one with chocolate frosting around his mouth ever could be. Yet, Farmer had calmed down every time that the sheriff had appeared in his rustproof car. Maybe if Cow had chocolate frosting around her lips, Farmer would be sensible. Then again, Farmer was seldom rational. ‘Sensible’ was not in his vocabulary, like most words in the English language.

“Call the sheriff? Hell, he is gonna want some beef when I’m done with you. Animals is food. That is the law.” Farmer was serious. Cow was not sure about Farmer’s legal training, but ever since Turkey had disappeared and Cat had found those feathers… And the sheriff had to be eating a lot of SOMETHING to get that big. Cow was beginning to feel as if she didn’t have any rights at all. She felt like she was just one of Farmer’s possessions.

Being planted was one thing, but being eaten was another thing entirely. She was still unsure what happened to Goat after he had been planted. It seemed like nothing had become of him, except some weeds and a few wildflowers (they didn’t talk so she had eaten most of them).

She ate grass and she didn’t like the way it looked when it came out the other end. She knew how Farmer smelled on Saturday morning before he apparently licked himself. She didn’t want to be eaten by Farmer or the sheriff. “I don’t want to be eaten. Can’t I just graze here in peace? Just like you graze in front of the great Oprah box?” Cow pleaded.

“You’re a dumb animal. You were put here to be eaten by us. It’s in the Bible, cow.” Farmer had mentioned that silly book again. Goat used to read it aloud to everyone on the farm, between laughs. He never could keep a straight face when he read from it. He had said that Jesus, a character in the book, was a drunk because he had changed water into wine. It was that comment that had put Goat on Farmer’s bad side, and later, under his truck.

Cow was not running away, so Farmer dropped the rope that he was carrying. He raised his chainsaw, as it let out a sputtering roar, and began to lower it over Cow’s neck. Cow was not sure what to do. Farmer was going to cut her into chunks, like the trees. What would Goat have done? Goat used to run, she thought. That never worked. Farmer had always caught him. A spelling contest would surely declare Cow the victor, but Farmer had already established his opinion of such contests.

Divine Intervention…

Then the universe’s natural tendency toward entropy manifested itself in a most peculiar way…There was a loud cracking noise, and the chainsaw fell to the ground. Farmer began speaking that secret language of concrete blocks again and bent over clutching one hand with the other.

Then there was a second cracking noise. Something struck the fence post near Cow, sending splintered wood into the air. “Sniper! Everybody down!” It was Cat calling from under the porch.

Cow was really confused now, and so was Farmer. He was clutching his hand and shouting about how he had been shot. That was certainly odd. Then Cow saw Rooster crouching in the hayloft of the barn. He was covered in hay now. He had his rifle and was pointing in their direction. Rooster was silly sometimes, she thought. “VC! VC! It’s Charlie!” Rooster shouted as he took a gulp from a bottle of his whiskey.

Farmer was Charlie? Rooster and Farmer had been in Vietnam? Cow learned something new every day, it seemed. Suddenly, the air was filled with flying lead. The constant firing of the rifle made Cow’s ears ring. Rooster was very odd, indeed..

Cow saw Farmer fall clutching his left leg. He was leaking dark liquid. And more bullets rained down just inches from Cow’s hooves. One hit the fence wire itself and broke it. Cow was free, if she chose to be. Another bullet hit Farmer in his back, and he collapsed on the ground. He was whimpering in pain now. He sounded like Goat had just prior to Farmer planting him.

Rooster changed magazines in his weapon and began firing again. Farmer was hit by several bullets this time. Cow thought that it looked painful. Farmer stopped moving, but Rooster kept firing.

Cat stepped from under the porch. She, like Cow, was looking at Farmer. Then Rooster turned his gun on her. Bullets threw dirt in the air as they barely missed. Cat sprinted back under the porch. Rooster began firing into the porch itself. He was certainly behaving oddly. Cow could see that the bullets were tearing right through the wood of the porch. She didn’t want to see Cat get planted. She had to do something. She sprinted for the barn, the bell on her neck clanged wildly.

Rooster saw her charging and a hailstorm of deadly lead fell all around her as she ran. In a wondrous feat of bovine athleticism, she did a somersault onto the conveyor that carried the hay up to the loft. Desperate to prevent both Cat and herself from being planted, she charged Rooster like a Cow out of Hell (or something like that).

“Its beautiful, man! Beautiful!” Rooster screamed, firing madly into the barnyard. He held the rifle in one wing and clutched a bottle of his corn whiskey in the other. Feathers and hay were being spun around in the air by the discharge of the weapon.

As Cow dove toward Rooster, something caught her attention. It was Mouse in a second floor window of the house. He had Farmer’s hunting rifle. He was aiming for Rooster. “No!” Cow screamed as she soared toward the mad fowl. The hunting rifle boomed. Cow knocked Rooster to the floor as she felt something strike her neck. Rooster was unconscious before he hit the floor; passed out drunk. Cow rolled onto her side, next to Rooster.

The bullet had hit the bell on her neck. She wasn’t hurt. Unfortunately, the concussion of the hunting rifle had smashed poor Mouse against the second floor windowsill. It was okay; he would be back tomorrow, she thought.

Farmer Laid To Rest…

Farmer was planted later that day. Over the next three weeks, Dog dug him up four times to chew on his leg. Cow finally convinced him that Farmer would never grow into a Farmer tree if he didn’t leave him planted. Dog said he liked trees, but Cow never could comprehend why he would urinate on something that he liked.

Cow was free to graze…in the pasture and yard, at least. Big, rustproof trucks raced by the mailbox all day. Cow was content to stay away from there. And grazing in the front yard, Cow found seven old cars, two lawnmowers, a tractor, and a covered wagon. Cow opened a very successful used car lot, which she used to buy herself that dietary supplement of grain.

Cat spent her days eating poor Mouse. Cow never did figure out Mouse’s secret. Cat never cared, as long as Mouse kept returning. Sheep seldom left the barn anymore. He usually stayed up late drinking corn whiskey and typing his memoirs.

With the front yard eaten down, Rooster had fewer Vietnam flashbacks. He still had problems of course, but Cow hid his rifle in the pond. Everyone assumed he wasn’t dangerous anymore. Too bad Cow never found his bayonet or box of grenades.

Everything was great. Well, everything was great, that is, until Rooster started consulting the great Oprah box…

Music-Video-Parodies

Welcome to my parodies post. Just a note that you can play and view both videos on each column at the same time. Sort of amusing to listen to the lyrics in a duet.

“Shake” Parody Version 

Very well done Taylor Swift parody video that is just tremendous fun to watch. April Bender, singer has a great voice that just makes the video that much more enjoyable. The lyrics are just great mixed with the facial expressions makes this video almost better then the original.Funny music video parodies by the Key of Awesome crew! Musical comedy show spoofing celebrities, pop-culture and the latest internet memes.

“Base” Parody Version

Bart Baker, the mastermind and artist that portraits Meghan Trainor in this fun, crazy, parody video. The lyrics are the complete opposite of the original that basically say all skinny people are “bitches” as opposed to the original that expresses self love. The video is spot on perfect, stage design, lyrics, dance movements, and costume design. The only flaw that takes away from the creation is the last few minutes of video segment that detracts from the original.

“Shake” Original Version 

“Shake It Off” received mostly positive reviews from music critics, who praised its musical style. Meanwhile, the music video received mixed reception, and was additionally criticized for a scene which involved twerking. “Shake It Off” debuted at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 chart for the week ending September 6, 2014, becoming Swift’s second number one single in the United States and the 22nd song to debut at number one in the chart’s history. The song received a nomination for Favorite Song at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards.

“Base” Original Version

Trainor was born and raised in Nantucket, Massachusetts, the daughter of Kelli (Jekanowski) and Gary Trainor.  She grew up with a musical family, and has been writing songs since she was 11 years old. The song and video are upbeat and enjoyable and conveys a positive “self love” message. On the negative side, the song has aired so much that it has had a negative impact by becoming a nuisance