Pebble Time Watch Faces

One of my favorite new pastimes is spending time creating the Pebble Time watch faces and the popular Pebble Classic watch faces. There is a certain amount of gratification when creating the watch faces, personal enjoyment building them, hundreds of downloads, and exposure. All the Pebble Time watch faces that are created are crafted and thought out. Every dial, marking, and even the logo or theme has been designed for brightness and clarity on the small Pebble surface area.

You can create Pebble watch faces several ways. The first is to use the popular and standard programming language “C”  plus use the Pebble compiler or create images and use the Pebble watch face Generator which currently only supports black and white. There is also a color version watch face generator but it is very primitive and offers zero useful features. Whatever method you use, have fun with it. Nothing like using your own watch face that you created on your Pebble. The Pebble staff have also put up some great tutorials on how to build your own custom watch faces.

Pebble Time Watch Faces Need a Watch

All this is great and wonderful but you also need to purchase the watch. Yes, this is a plug for a great company with a new set of great watches coming out in the next few months. Pebble Time 2 , Pebble Classic 2, and Pebble Core. Great time to purchase the orginal classic or Pebble Time.

Official Bulux Tubmariner Watch Face

The Official Bulux Tubmariner analog watch face. Yes, it’s a spoof on the classic Rolex Submariner. Many hours were spent fine-tuning every detail. Everything from the day of the week to the current date. Image created with Photoshop, even the Rolex fonts were used. Have fun and let me know how I can improve this. TUBMARINER 33ft x 3 / 3atm PEBBLE CERTIFIED. Why Bulux? A British cuss word that has no definite meaning. Cannot be used as an insult. Example: Bulux! While hitting your hand with a hammer. The American equivalent would be Sh_t or F_ck.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Official Bulux


Crystal Clear Time Original

Quality and clarity is the key when reading the time. I mean if its hard to see, what’s the point. This was created with Photoshop and is super easy to read. Handsome and simple with the date always showing. Enjoy…

Now Offering the White Version because the black original version is so popular.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Black Version

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble White Version

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Dump Trump Pebble Watch Face

America is already Great…Simple Digital Dump Trump watch face that is guaranteed to start a conversation …show your support and sport this political statement. It Also comes in a full-color version.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Dump Trump 

Splat Analog Watch Face

Splat? What a mess…comes with an analog dial plus date on the lower left, digital time on the lower right corner.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Splat Analog

Time Up In Flames

Great graphic that is easily visible. Time moves so fast that at times it feels like it is up in flames. Displays seconds on the upper right-hand corner.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Splat Analog

HiFi Digital System

High fidelity digital system was great fun to create. On the top row, we have the Bluetooth and battery indicators. The second-row sports the date, the third row shows the time, and the bottom row shows the seconds. Great fun creating this classic and very popular watch face.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble HiFi Stereo Watch Face

Analog Adventurer Two

Simple analog design with a battery indicator at the three o’clock position. Sporty and elegant watch face. Once again very easy to read. Looks great on Pebble Classic and Pebble Time.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Adventurer Two

Digital Speed Watch Face

Digital speedometer watch face. Simple but effective. Also available in color for Pebble Time.

Get Free Watch Face from Pebble Digital Speed

View All Watch Faces by Nicolas Ray

I Won Over One Hundred Million Dollars

Today alone my net worth is over One Hundred Million Dollars and it only cost me a mere $180 plus some very personal information, Social Security number, bank account numbers for transfer, credit card info, address and billing questions. Well worth it. I would imagine that this is a numbers game – out of every ten thousand emails they send out at least one will fall for this. The elderly are also very prone and seem easy targets, actually someone I know fell for a very official email from medical group threatening to go to collections if the bill was not paid. The amount was small, I think it was $85 and some change. They sent the money in because they were worried about it.  Imagine if 1000 people sent the invoice in…that’s a very good source of income for the scammers. My point is we as the sons and daughters need to watch out for our aging parents that could fall prey.

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Re.Important Message.


May 17, 2016, 5:43 PM

Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)

Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc

Customers Service Hours / Monday To Saturday

Office Hours Monday To Saturday:

Dear Beneficiary,

Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $16.5million due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.for more information do get back to us.

The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current Prime Minister of Cambodia Excellency Hun Sen to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes. Now how would you like to receive your payment? because we have two method of  payment which is by Check or by ATM card?

ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $5,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2020. Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.

Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option and would be mailed to you via FedEx. Because we have signed a contract with FedEx which should expire 20th of May  2016 you will only need to pay $180 instead of $420 saving you $240 so if you

Pay before the one week you save $240 note that any one asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any. Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $180.00 nothing more! Nothing less! And we guarantee the receipt of your fund to be successfully delivered to you within the next 24hrs after the receipt of payment has been confirmed.

Note: Everything has been taken care of by the Government of Cambodia,The United Nation and also the FBI and including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $180.

DO NOT SEND MONEY TO ANYONE UNTIL YOU READ THIS: The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is $420 but because FedEx have temporarily discontinued the C.O.D which gives you the chance to pay when package is delivered for international shipping We had to sign contract with them for bulk shipping which makes the fees reduce from the actual fee of $420 to $180 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort!To effect the release of your fund valued at $16.5million you are advised to contact our correspondent in Asia the delivery officer Miss.Chi Liko with the information below,



You are adviced to contact her with the informations as stated below:

Your full Name..

Your Address:…………..

Home/Cell Phone:…………..

Preferred Payment Method ( ATM / Cashier Check )

Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours. Because we are so sure of everything we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Donna Story





Dear Customer,

Attn: The sum of $43,015.00 was remitted to your account.

Customer Reference             : 2016040100070794

Transaction Method              : [Telegraphic Transfer]

Transaction Amount              : USD43,015.00

Value Date                           : 23rd, April 2016

Click HERE to see full bank account statement.

Yours faithfully,

The Hongkong and Shanghai Banking Corporation Limited



My Name is Mr. Richard Mavin, am working with Financial Service Authority

Accara Ghana. I know that this letter will come to you as a surprise

because we have not met before.

However, I have an outstanding fund worth of Fifty Five Million, Seven

Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$55.7million Dollars) which is

to be remitted to your country. 50% of this fund will be given to you for

your assistance in receiving the money on my behalf. More Information

regarding this business will be given to you immediately I received your

acceptance to receive this money in your country for an investment on

estate properties. I anticipate your immediate response and cooperation to

enable us work out success of this transaction.

Have a nice day and God bless. Anticipating your communication


Richard Mavin



Attention: Beneficiary


We are not sure you received our previous message but we wish to us this medium to officially inform you that following the ongoing review of all unclaimed and delayed funds by the United Nations and the World Bank, your payment file was forwarded to our office for immediate payment of your long delayed funds starting with a first transfer of US$10,000,000.00 with reference No. NG/FM14FGN, to your bank account.

However, we are surprised to receive another application this morning from your representative, MR.KRAUS MULLER,stating that you authorized him to transfer the funds to another bank account in Germany and that you were recently involved in an auto accident and cannot walk right now.


Could you please confirm immediately, your relationship with MR.KRAUS MULLER and also, confirm if the bank account in Germany as shown below is now your new bank account information to receive your funds this week from our paying bank


ACCOUNT NO: 098-11180933-109

IBAN: CH55 0910 3045 6011 91110 0


Kindly get in touch with us today by email with your telephone number to confirm this information to avoid wrong transfer of your funds, so that we can proceed with the transfer of the US$10,000,000.00 to your correct bank account as scheduled.

Yours sincerely,


Director,Anti-Fraud Unit.

Financial Services Regulation Committee

Plot 33,ATB Way Cadastral Zone,Abuja,NG


U.S. Department of the Treasury

1500 Pennsylvania Avenue,NW

Washington,DC 20220

This is to bring to your notice that the US Department of the Treasury in affiliation with the Office of Foreign Assets Control (“OFAC”) has been authorized in their Sanction Programs to compensate 1,000 scam victims who has being a victim of internet scam.The US Department of the Treasury has decided to pay you $250,000.00 USD(Two Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars) each in order to restore the global economy to the enviable standard of respectability.

Your particulars was mentioned by one of the syndicates who was arrested as one of the victims of their operations.You are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to him or her for any reason whatsoever as the US SECRET SERVICE is already on trace of the other criminals,these information should remain confidential till they are all apprehended,other victims who have not been contacted can submit their application as well for scrutiny and possible consideration.

Your fund to be released via MasterCard ATM in act to uphold the rule of law which we represent. once your fund is release with all the listed document from your processing officer, all you need do is get your INSURANCE BOND CERTIFICATE it will be needed in your name to complete your papers and secure your shipment safely in next 24hrs. the courier will send your tracking number immediately you get this said Approval. sincerely this will cost you $200usd only as we have spooked personally with the director in charge in your behalf.

You will be contacting Richard Berner directly by replying to this email for the release of your $250,000.00 USD compensation fund,he’s the director of the Office of Financial Research (OFR).You are also advised to provide him with the under listed Assignment information for verification:

Office Of Financial Research (OFR)

1)Full Names.

2) Home Address.

3) Nationality:

4) Age.

5) Sex.

6)  Occupation.

7)  Phone Number.

8) Identity Card.

9)Preferred Payment Method (ATM)

Best Regards,

Jacob J. Lew

Secretary of the Treasury.

Thank You



I am writing from the “Kuwait Finance and Investment Company, a premier financial and investment company here in Kuwait and the GCC Region.

I am a financial consultant to an investor from a Mineral-Oil Rich African Country with sensitive political background who wants to invest outside his country and without the appearance of him on the investments.

As stated above, my client had approached me with a mandate to seek for individuals with professional experience in financial management that can help him channel some funds into profitable investments outside Africa where these funds could exist WITHOUT his name.

Should this be of interest to you, kindly respond with your CV and/or personal profile so we can make progress.


Moataz Hegab

Attention Bonafide Recipient.

This is an official message from the courier services in Cotonou Republic of Benin. We have your package dropped since last six weeks by rev. Victor Akagwu who abandoned this package here for a trip to Vatican city in Italy.

We have made several attempts to have you clear your package containing a Bank Draft worth of US$2.5M not until rev. Victor Akagwu called us from Vatican and gave us you email, that is why we are contacting you to clear your package

Contact us with your final delivery address and have your package in less than 48 hours. Required delivery details is as below:

Your Full Names



Awaiting your immediate cooperation.

Mrs. Rachel Dean

My Dear Friend,

My Name is Arkamani Ahmad al-Mahdi,a descendant of (Muhammad Ahmad al-Mahdi) the ruler of Sudan in the 1880’s, I am 62years old and an ex-politician in Sudan, I retired from Politics more than a decade Ago.

I am presenting an investment proposal to you, with an amount of Eighty five Million United states Dollars ($85,000,000) for a start, and could go up to $10 billion and more, if you re trust worthy and capable enough as this is no joke.

I am open to any good, vast or profitable Ideas you have, so we could invest this sum of money, In the process of this establishment, you will be talking to my Son who will put you through all the Corners of this establishment, for some personal and security reasons I will explain to you later on, only if I see you as an interested partner.

I want us to make this 100% Confidential between us as I have tried to stay out of the Media and the public all along. I am ready to work with you in all trust and Honesty, as I Expect you will act the Same. There are lots of internet Fraud and Scam everywhere these days and as much as I am being Skeptical about you, I also want to give this a try, under my strict supervision, so I want you to know that we will not only rely on just phone and email Conversation for this business partnership. I want us to have a face to face Meeting either with me or my Son, which will enable us move in the right direction, if you Agree with me.

I will write you with every other details you need, when I get your response. Have a nice day as I await your message at your earliest convenience.

Write me on my private Email:

Warm Regards,

Mr. Arkamani.


Just Rants

Donald Trump Also Can’t Stand The Steve Bannon Impression On ‘SNL

I’m just about ready for this second debate, although not without trepidation. The RNC and America’s top Republicans urged Trump to demonstrate contrition. His supporters, we hear, encouraged him to double down on his misogyny and lack of character by using Bill Clinton’s alleged misdeeds to de-emphasize the seriousness of his own. Clearly, he has listened to his supporters. I can’t imagine how Priebus, Ryan, and Pence will react tomorrow.

Donald’s answer to the tax question is to eliminate the provision for carried interest. That is to say, the general partner of a limited partnership has their income taxed as capital gains, even though they haven’t actually invested their own money. That’s the only provision he references – not the income tax rate – not the special deals for the real estate industry – not the inheritance tax deals. In point of fact, Trump uses business losses to fund deals in which he insists on getting paid up front – so the losses come from his partners, while he makes both money and a tax benefit. It’s the longest con imaginable.

Donald Trump is an idiot. How the American public can reconcile their support for this man and still consider their conscience clean and leaning towards a religious nature to be true is a stain upon their souls.

He lies so often, and defiles the higher nature of every person willing to stand by him.

That’s okay DT, not many folks like your impression of a President.

The EPA was just directed to freeze all grants. This means that graduate students and researchers funded on EPA funds are now without funds. All ongoing studies are stopped.
Scientists at the EPA and USDA are also blocked from communicating with the press or through the internet.
It all happened in a moment with a memo, by executive action, with zero input or oversight.
It could happen to any Federal institute, including the National Science Foundation, which funds research at universities around the country — including the health insurance and living stipends of many, many students. Trump also froze all federal hiring yesterday.
Please, if you can safely raise your voice, raise it loudly. Call your congresspeople, call the White House, write op-eds and articles and blog posts. AND TWEET This is only Day 4.
(Share widely– copy and paste is best to share with people outside our common friends. I did not write this. It was copied and pasted from a scientist who wants to remain anonymous. The fear of retaliation is real.)

Damage to American Democracy by Trump

(AND IT’S ONLY NOON, people)
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the DOJ’s Violence Against Women programs.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the National Endowment for the Humanities.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Minority Business Development Agency.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Economic Development Administration.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the International Trade Administration.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Manufacturing Extension Partnership.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Office of Community Oriented Policing Services.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Legal Services Corporation.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Civil Rights Division of the DOJ.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Environmental and Natural Resources Division of the DOJ.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Overseas Private Investment Corporation.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Office of Electricity Deliverability and Energy Reliability.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Office of Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy.
* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Office of Fossil Energy.
* On January 20th, 2017, DT ordered all regulatory powers of all federal agencies frozen.
* On January 20th, 2017, DT ordered the National Parks Service to stop using social media after RTing factual, side by side photos of the crowds for the 2009 and 2017 inaugurations.
* On January 20th, 2017, roughly 230 protestors were arrested in DC and face unprecedented felony riot charges. Among them were legal observers, journalists, and medics.
* On January 20th, 2017, a member of the International Workers of the World was shot in the stomach at an anti-fascist protest in Seattle. He remains in critical condition.
* On January 21st, 2017, DT brought a group of 40 cheerleaders to a meeting with the CIA to cheer for him during a speech that consisted almost entirely of framing himself as the victim of dishonest press.
* On January 21st, 2017, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer held a press conference largely to attack the press for accurately reporting the size of attendance at the inaugural festivities, saying that the inauguration had the largest audience of any in history, “period.”
* On January 22nd, 2017, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway defended Spicer’s lies as “alternative facts” on national television news.
* On January 22nd, 2017, DT appeared to blow a kiss to director James Comey during a meeting with the FBI, and then opened his arms in a gesture of strange, paternal affection, before hugging him with a pat on the back.
* On January 23rd, 2017, DT reinstated the global gag order, which defunds international organizations that even mention abortion as a medical option.
* On January 23rd, 2017, Spicer said that the US will not tolerate China’s expansion onto islands in the South China Sea, essentially threatening war with China.
* On January 23rd, 2017, DT repeated the lie that 3-5 million people voted “illegally” thus costing him the popular vote.
* On January 23rd, 2017, it was announced that the man who shot the anti-fascist protester in Seattle was released without charges, despite turning himself in.
* On January 24th, 2017, Spicer reiterated the lie that 3-5 million people voted “illegally” thus costing DT the popular vote.
* On January 24th, 2017, DT tweeted a picture from his personal Twitter account of a photo he says depicts the crowd at his inauguration and will hang in the White House press room. The photo is of the 2009 inauguration of 44th President Barack Obama, and is curiously dated January 21st, 2017, the day AFTER the inauguration and the day of the Women’s March, the largest inauguration related protest in history.
* On January 24th, 2017, the EPA was ordered to stop communicating with the public through social media or the press and to freeze all grants and contracts.
* On January 24th, 2017, the USDA was ordered to stop communicating with the public through social media or the press and to stop publishing any papers or research. All communication with the press would also have to be authorized and vetted by the White House.
* On January 24th, 2017, HR7, a bill that would prohibit federal funding not only to abortion service providers, but to any insurance coverage, including Medicaid, that provides abortion coverage, went to the floor of the House for a vote.
* On January 24th, 2017, Director of the Department of Health and Human Service nominee Tom Price characterized federal guidelines on transgender equality as “absurd.”
* On January 24th, 2017, DT ordered the resumption of construction on the Dakota Access Pipeline, while the North Dakota state congress considers a bill that would legalize hitting and killing protestors with cars if they are on roadways.
* On January 24th, 2017, it was discovered that police officers had used confiscated cell phones to search the emails and messages of the 230 demonstrators now facing felony riot charges for protesting on January 20th, including lawyers and journalists whose email accounts contain privileged information of clients and sources. (from a friend)

Please share… If you want more people to actually read it, copy and paste. I still can’t believe what is on this list. Thank you for reading… It is long but important…

Defining Trump Presidency – Tyrant

A tyrant, in its modern English usage, is an absolute ruler unrestrained by law or person, or one who has usurped legitimate sovereignty. Often described as a cruel character, a tyrant defends his position by oppressive means, tending to control almost everything in the state.

Dumb Coal Miners Will Lose Obamacare Benefits

01/04/2017 – Who ever said coal miners are smart…dah, they voted for Trump with the promise of coal mining jobs but didn’t think it through. Currently, black lung benefits exist via Obamacare, but with the repeal of the insurance plan, coal miners will loose all benefits. By the way, coal is dead and should be phased out like most civilized countries have done or will be doing in the very near future. Washington Pos

Drain the swamp” was a refrain of Donald Trump during the presidential campaign, but Newt Gingrich says the president-elect “doesn’t want to use it anymore” now that he’s knee-deep in alligators.

Donald Trump the Con Man

Donald’s answer to the tax question is to eliminate the provision for carried interest. That is to say, the general partner of a limited partnership has their income taxed as capital gains, even though they haven’t actually invested their own money. That’s the only provision he references – not the income tax rate – not the special deals for the real estate industry – not the inheritance tax deals.. In point of fact, Trump uses business losses to fund deals in which he insists on getting paid up front – so the losses come from his partners, while he makes both money and a tax benefit. It’s the longest con imaginable.

Donald Trump is an idiot. How the American public can reconcile their support for this man and still consider their conscience clean and leaning towards a religious nature to be true is a stain upon their souls.

He lies so frequently and defiles the higher nature of every person willing to stand by him.

Quotes and Sayings

You never know who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.

Ghandi said that we become great exactly in the degree in which we increase the value of the life of others.

Really beautiful poem. Remembering a loved one past gives us the strength to move forward. Thinking of my dad now, long past 20 now. Thinking of the laughter and happiness. we shared. Its a nice comfort to know we will meet again.

“Nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful people with talent, leave the house before you find something worth staying in for. ”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”
I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I have a sixth sense, I see stupid people.

“If I knew you where coming I would have baked you a cake” Gus & David

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going’, and hook up with them later. #quote Mitch Hedberg

“Happiness is not a goal…it is a by-product of a life well lived”

Carson, eat a Snickers, you turn into Sarah Palin when you’re hungry [su_divider]

Funny Farm – A COW STORY Silly Creative Story

The sun rose over the farm again…

Cow noticed that it kept doing that. She was thankful really, even though it hurt her eyes. While it was dark, Farmer made Sheep make strange noises and Cow always wondered if she was next. Then there were also roving bands of drunken rednecks with nothing better to do than tip over poor sleeping Cow. She had never done anything to them. Nothing that she could recall, at least.

Rooster was on the fence again. He was probably going to crow soon. He looked busy cleaning his rifle. He always cleaned his rifle in the morning. Sheep said that he brought that rifle back from Vietnam with him. He would crow after he finished cleaning it, most likely.

Farmer was still in the house. He always slept late on Sundays. Cow wondered where he went every Sunday morning wearing the same suit that he had worn to Goat’s planting. Was he going to plantings at other farms? It was hard to be sure. Farmer was very odd. Sometimes he smoked without being on fire. Anything was possible with him.

Cow stood by the fence watching the house and barn. She usually stood there at this time of day. She liked to watch everyone go through their morning routine. She looked forward to grain from Farmer, too. But it was watching that kept her there. She had a few ideas on how to turn this farm into a highly profitable business. If she could only find a pen and some paper, she would draw them out for Farmer. She knew Farmer would never listen to her ideas, but she still wanted to draw them out for him.
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The Disappearance of Mouse…

Cat came running out of the overgrown front yard and crouched by a fence post near Cow. She looked around suspiciously. “Cow, have you seen Mouse?” Cat asked in a smooth whisper. This question perplexed Cow. Almost every day, she saw Cat eat poor Mouse, or at least mutilate him and toss him around. And every day, Mouse came back. It seemed like Mouse was beyond planting, unlike poor Goat. Sometimes she wondered if there might be more than one Mouse. ( Not that she couldn’t count. Cow knew calculus. She just needed to see more than one Mouse together in order to be certain.)

“Sorry, Cat. I haven’t seen Mouse since you ate him yesterday,” Cow replied. Cat stopped stalking and sat up.

“Drats. Oh, well. You know I found another car in the front yard this morning?” Cat asked, knowing that no one would have told Cow yet. “It is near the porch, where that big bush is.”

“How many is that now?” Cow wondered aloud, staring at the bush. Cat always found cars in Farmer’s front yard. Cow could not see them; the grass was too high. She wouldn’t mind eating that grass, now that she thought about it. “I’m not sure. I think there are four.” Cat cocked her head. She was terrible with numbers. She couldn’t do calculus, and she only barely grasped algebra and trigonometry. But Cow didn’t expect much from an animal that spent the better part of the day licking her butt. She liked Cat anyway. It was fun to watch her chase Mouse or the little bugs.

Dog Chases Cat…

A distant barking rang out and began to close on the two animals. Cat jumped to her feet with her back hunched, hair standing on end. Cow just looked. It was Dog. Cow didn’t like Dog, or the way that he chased Cat.”Gotta run, Cow,” Cat meowed as she darted toward the nearest tree.

“Cat! Get Cat!” Dog howled as slobber flung from his mouth. He was so intent on catching Cat that he smacked into the tree. Solid wood cracking his skull, didn’t hurt his wits any. He immediately began jumping up, trying to snap at Cat, who was out of reach and hissing down at him.

Dog couldn’t make complete sentences. He reminded Cow of Farmer. Those two were best friends. The only big difference was that Farmer didn’t lick himself; at least, not where Cow could see anyway. How did Farmer clean himself on Saturday nights? Another mystery, Cow thought. Dog barked for several moments, then he ran toward the back of the house. He had that irritating, drooling smile on his face. He was proud of having chased poor Cat.

Farmer Finds Roosters Whiskey…

Rooster was not on the fence anymore, but his gun was leaning against a post. He was nowhere in sight. He had to have finished cleaning his gun already. Why hadn’t he crowed, yet? He might lose his job over this. The sun was clearly in the ‘up’ position now. He might have gone to the top of the barn, where he kept his corn whiskey distillery hidden from Farmer.

Suddenly, there was yelling inside the barn. It was Farmer. A few chews later, Rooster came running, almost flying, out of the barn. Farmer chased him ten paces outside, then stopped.

“You better run, damned Rooster!” Farmer threatened. “Don’t you never attack me no more! I’ll have you for supper!” Rooster ran into the thick, dark grasses of the front yard. Cat said that Rooster usually had Vietnam flashbacks in there. Cow hoped he would be alright. He was strange sometimes. Cow had no idea who ‘Charlie’ was, but Rooster was awful angry at him.

Farmer must have found Rooster’s whiskey. He would have to move it again. Rooster used to share with Farmer, but Farmer always drank it all. Cow didn’t blame Rooster for not wanting to share anymore. Farmer always had been selfish.

No Grain Feed For Cow

Farmer went back into the barn and emerged with a bucket. He looked around for a few seconds. He had poor eyesight, Cow knew. Then he began stumbling his way toward Cow. It was finally grain time. About fifteen feet from the fence, Farmer tripped over an old, rusted bicycle frame. He fell face down in the grass. He used words that Cow had no use for as he looked at the scattered grain on the ground. “I guess you won’t have no grain today,” Farmer decided. What? Couldn’t he just get more? Cow knew something about buckets: they could be filled many times.

As Farmer turned to apparently go towards the house, Cow spoke, causing him to stop and turn back.”Excuse me, Farmer. I would very much appreciate a dietary supplement of grain on this fine day. Unless you are late for your Sunday planting?” Farmer looked at Cow for a few seconds. He hated it when Cow spoke with superior, if not perfect, grammar skills. The anger was plain on his face.”Shut yer yap, Cow. A’fore I decide to have burgers for sup with my rooster.”

Cow knew Farmer was habitually rude. Everyone disliked that about Farmer, though Sheep said he had worse habits. She tried again to ask for grain in a polite tone”Farmer, sir. I would greatly appreciate it if you could find the time before you attend your Sunday planting to acquire another bucket of grain for myself.” That was as polite as Cow could possibly summon in the face of rudeness.

Farmer seemed confused for a moment. He mumbled something about ‘plantings’ and shook his head. Then he thought for a minute (it usually took him at least a minute to think). His face turned red. Either he was choking or he was angry. Cow assumed the latter. Although, Farmer had turned that color the day after Turkey had disappeared into the house. That day, Farmer had stayed red for a full minute before coughing up a ball of something. It could have been what Cat called a ‘hairball.’ It had been difficult to judge from the pasture. If it was a hairball, then perhaps Farmer did lick himself on Saturday nights after all.

“Dag-blamed Cow! I’m the man! I said no grain!” Farmer shouted. Spit flew from his mouth. He looked a lot like Dog right then. Oddly, he smelled like Sheep. Cow was losing her patience. Farmer always acted superior for no good reason. Perhaps, Farmer had learned this erroneous behavior from Farmer’s Wife. It was known all around the farm that Farmer’s Wife consulted the great Oprah box within a large chamber in the house. It was said by Cat that this ‘Oprah’ was the one that convinced Farmer’s Wife to journey to the mailbox and never return. Cow couldn’t see much farther than the mailbox, so that is where it looked like she had gone.

“Then let me out, Farmer. I’ll get the damned grain myself!” Cow wasn’t sure from where within herself those harsh words had sprung. She felt irritated suddenly by Farmer’s attitude. Goat used to say that stupidity was contagious and all humans were infected. Cow’s mind wondered for a second, though. Why hadn’t a goat tree or vine grown where goat had been planted? Another mystery. “What?!” Screamed Farmer incredulously. “Us humans is God’s greatest creation! You blasphemous cow! Don’t you never talk to me again! You were made to feed us humans!”

Cow always thought this was flawed logic. Humans were someone’s greatest creation? Goat had explained how humans were required to attend institutions of learning, where they mostly learned to make paper flying devices, slept, exchanged gossip, made fun of one another, and after twelve years they graduated. This was mandatory training to be a human. Then most of them, barely able to speak clearly or perform mathematics, found some menial task to perform out there beyond the mailbox. They knew little of the science that they claimed to master. They mostly drank intoxicants and sat around the great Oprah box grazing on packaged food.

Cow didn’t know how to operate a VCR, but she didn’t want to either. Watching that box made her sleepy. Rather than consult Oprah, she usually stood in the pasture contemplating the significance of infinity. Farmer interrupted her train of thought.

“Another word out of you, cow, and I’ve had it!”

“I take it that this means I’m not getting that grain.” Cow stated flatly. Farmer practically roared. He may have been speaking. Perhaps it was some secret farm language that Cow had never learned. Farmer had made the same sounds, once before, when he had dropped a concrete block on his foot. Cow didn’t see any concrete blocks around “That’s it cow! I’m going’ to make burgers out of you!” Farmer declared as he stormed off into the barn.

The Rooster, The Cow, The Chainsaw…

It was then that Cow noticed something moving from the high grass in the front yard. It looked like a patch of weeds and twigs…It was Rooster. He had covered himself in foilage again. He moved five or ten feet, then stopped and crouched down. What was he doing? Cat had left the tree. Cow wished she could ask Cat.

Farmer emerged from the barn with a chainsaw in one hand and a rope in the other. Cow eyed him suspiciously. Farmer had already cut his tree chunks for the wintertime. She didn’t like the look on his face. Farmer could be quite idiotic when he was angry. He would sometimes hit Farmer’s Wife if she didn’t do what he told, especially if he had been into Rooster’s whiskey. He had used more of that flawed logic then, too. He had rambled something about him being “the man” and that she would “do what he said.” Goat had said shortly after one of those incidents that this God fellow should really check his blueprints. Cow didn’t know who God was, or even why he left blue footprints behind, but Goat had once said that God was man’s greatest creation; next to the tractor, of course. Cow had seen several tractors. She had yet to see God.

Farmer yanked the cord and started his chainsaw motor as he came to stand before Cow “Now, let’s hear you say something else!”

Cow felt uncomfortable. This was the last thing Farmer had said to Goat on that Sunday last year, before he had ran over him with his rusty pickup truck (which was now lost in the front yard). Cow didn’t want to get planted, too. What was it Goat had responded with? Cow didn’t want to say the same thing. Oh, now she remembered. Goat had chosen that moment to challenge Farmer to a spelling contest. Farmer hadn’t been able to spell truck, but he sure could drive one.

“Nothing to say? I’m your master cow. It’s about time that you realized that.” Cow was confused again. She wasn’t aware of Farmer being a ‘master.’ If he hadn’t put this fence around her, she would graze just fine on her own. If she could open the gate with her hooves, she would. It was all clear now, though. This jerk kept her penned in this area on purpose. She had always thought that he was just too stupid to realize that he had accidentally locked her in there every day. There wasn’t that much to graze on in the pasture. She had to depend on hay and grain to keep from getting hungry. It was not her fault that he forced her to depend on him for food. That fence packed a mean wallop. Goat called it ‘electrified.’ He had said it was the same ‘juice’ that made the great Oprah box speak. Cow didn’t understand much about electricity; the grass grew just fine without it.

“Just what I thought. Dumb animals don’t have much to say when you put a chainsaw to their skulls,” Farmer said with pride. He may have been calming down. Cow was still irritated about being locked up on purpose. She had felt sorry for that pathetic moron. Now, she was getting angrier and angrier. She had almost forgiven him for running over Goat. Farmer was so stupid that it should be a crime against nature, she finally decided. Cat ran from the tall grass and dove under the front porch. She knew trouble when she saw it. Where was Rooster now that she saw cat? Rooster was nowhere to be seen, and his rifle wasn’t leaning on the fence post any longer.

“Farmer, I don’t think you have any right to threaten me with that chainsaw. I must protest. Call the sheriff.” Cow knew Farmer’s Wife had called the sheriff many times. He was not very intimidating; no one with chocolate frosting around his mouth ever could be. Yet, Farmer had calmed down every time that the sheriff had appeared in his rustproof car. Maybe if Cow had chocolate frosting around her lips, Farmer would be sensible. Then again, Farmer was seldom rational. ‘Sensible’ was not in his vocabulary, like most words in the English language.

“Call the sheriff? Hell, he is gonna want some beef when I’m done with you. Animals is food. That is the law.” Farmer was serious. Cow was not sure about Farmer’s legal training, but ever since Turkey had disappeared and Cat had found those feathers… And the sheriff had to be eating a lot of SOMETHING to get that big. Cow was beginning to feel as if she didn’t have any rights at all. She felt like she was just one of Farmer’s possessions.

Being planted was one thing, but being eaten was another thing entirely. She was still unsure what happened to Goat after he had been planted. It seemed like nothing had become of him, except some weeds and a few wildflowers (they didn’t talk so she had eaten most of them).

She ate grass and she didn’t like the way it looked when it came out the other end. She knew how Farmer smelled on Saturday morning before he apparently licked himself. She didn’t want to be eaten by Farmer or the sheriff. “I don’t want to be eaten. Can’t I just graze here in peace? Just like you graze in front of the great Oprah box?” Cow pleaded.

“You’re a dumb animal. You were put here to be eaten by us. It’s in the Bible, cow.” Farmer had mentioned that silly book again. Goat used to read it aloud to everyone on the farm, between laughs. He never could keep a straight face when he read from it. He had said that Jesus, a character in the book, was a drunk because he had changed water into wine. It was that comment that had put Goat on Farmer’s bad side, and later, under his truck.

Cow was not running away, so Farmer dropped the rope that he was carrying. He raised his chainsaw, as it let out a sputtering roar, and began to lower it over Cow’s neck. Cow was not sure what to do. Farmer was going to cut her into chunks, like the trees. What would Goat have done? Goat used to run, she thought. That never worked. Farmer had always caught him. A spelling contest would surely declare Cow the victor, but Farmer had already established his opinion of such contests.

Divine Intervention…

Then the universe’s natural tendency toward entropy manifested itself in a most peculiar way…There was a loud cracking noise, and the chainsaw fell to the ground. Farmer began speaking that secret language of concrete blocks again and bent over clutching one hand with the other.

Then there was a second cracking noise. Something struck the fence post near Cow, sending splintered wood into the air. “Sniper! Everybody down!” It was Cat calling from under the porch.

Cow was really confused now, and so was Farmer. He was clutching his hand and shouting about how he had been shot. That was certainly odd. Then Cow saw Rooster crouching in the hayloft of the barn. He was covered in hay now. He had his rifle and was pointing in their direction. Rooster was silly sometimes, she thought. “VC! VC! It’s Charlie!” Rooster shouted as he took a gulp from a bottle of his whiskey.

Farmer was Charlie? Rooster and Farmer had been in Vietnam? Cow learned something new every day, it seemed. Suddenly, the air was filled with flying lead. The constant firing of the rifle made Cow’s ears ring. Rooster was very odd, indeed..

Cow saw Farmer fall clutching his left leg. He was leaking dark liquid. And more bullets rained down just inches from Cow’s hooves. One hit the fence wire itself and broke it. Cow was free, if she chose to be. Another bullet hit Farmer in his back, and he collapsed on the ground. He was whimpering in pain now. He sounded like Goat had just prior to Farmer planting him.

Rooster changed magazines in his weapon and began firing again. Farmer was hit by several bullets this time. Cow thought that it looked painful. Farmer stopped moving, but Rooster kept firing.

Cat stepped from under the porch. She, like Cow, was looking at Farmer. Then Rooster turned his gun on her. Bullets threw dirt in the air as they barely missed. Cat sprinted back under the porch. Rooster began firing into the porch itself. He was certainly behaving oddly. Cow could see that the bullets were tearing right through the wood of the porch. She didn’t want to see Cat get planted. She had to do something. She sprinted for the barn, the bell on her neck clanged wildly.

Rooster saw her charging and a hailstorm of deadly lead fell all around her as she ran. In a wondrous feat of bovine athleticism, she did a somersault onto the conveyor that carried the hay up to the loft. Desperate to prevent both Cat and herself from being planted, she charged Rooster like a Cow out of Hell (or something like that).

“Its beautiful, man! Beautiful!” Rooster screamed, firing madly into the barnyard. He held the rifle in one wing and clutched a bottle of his corn whiskey in the other. Feathers and hay were being spun around in the air by the discharge of the weapon.

As Cow dove toward Rooster, something caught her attention. It was Mouse in a second floor window of the house. He had Farmer’s hunting rifle. He was aiming for Rooster. “No!” Cow screamed as she soared toward the mad fowl. The hunting rifle boomed. Cow knocked Rooster to the floor as she felt something strike her neck. Rooster was unconscious before he hit the floor; passed out drunk. Cow rolled onto her side, next to Rooster.

The bullet had hit the bell on her neck. She wasn’t hurt. Unfortunately, the concussion of the hunting rifle had smashed poor Mouse against the second floor windowsill. It was okay; he would be back tomorrow, she thought.

Farmer Laid To Rest…

Farmer was planted later that day. Over the next three weeks, Dog dug him up four times to chew on his leg. Cow finally convinced him that Farmer would never grow into a Farmer tree if he didn’t leave him planted. Dog said he liked trees, but Cow never could comprehend why he would urinate on something that he liked.

Cow was free to graze…in the pasture and yard, at least. Big, rustproof trucks raced by the mailbox all day. Cow was content to stay away from there. And grazing in the front yard, Cow found seven old cars, two lawnmowers, a tractor, and a covered wagon. Cow opened a very successful used car lot, which she used to buy herself that dietary supplement of grain.

Cat spent her days eating poor Mouse. Cow never did figure out Mouse’s secret. Cat never cared, as long as Mouse kept returning. Sheep seldom left the barn anymore. He usually stayed up late drinking corn whiskey and typing his memoirs.

With the front yard eaten down, Rooster had fewer Vietnam flashbacks. He still had problems of course, but Cow hid his rifle in the pond. Everyone assumed he wasn’t dangerous anymore. Too bad Cow never found his bayonet or box of grenades.

Everything was great. Well, everything was great, that is, until Rooster started consulting the great Oprah box…


Welcome to my parodies post. Just a note that you can play and view both videos on each column at the same time. Sort of amusing to listen to the lyrics in a duet.

“Shake” Parody Version 

Very well done Taylor Swift parody video that is just tremendous fun to watch. April Bender, singer has a great voice that just makes the video that much more enjoyable. The lyrics are just great mixed with the facial expressions makes this video almost better then the original.Funny music video parodies by the Key of Awesome crew! Musical comedy show spoofing celebrities, pop-culture and the latest internet memes.

“Base” Parody Version

Bart Baker, the mastermind and artist that portraits Meghan Trainor in this fun, crazy, parody video. The lyrics are the complete opposite of the original that basically say all skinny people are “bitches” as opposed to the original that expresses self love. The video is spot on perfect, stage design, lyrics, dance movements, and costume design. The only flaw that takes away from the creation is the last few minutes of video segment that detracts from the original.

“Shake” Original Version 

“Shake It Off” received mostly positive reviews from music critics, who praised its musical style. Meanwhile, the music video received mixed reception, and was additionally criticized for a scene which involved twerking. “Shake It Off” debuted at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 chart for the week ending September 6, 2014, becoming Swift’s second number one single in the United States and the 22nd song to debut at number one in the chart’s history. The song received a nomination for Favorite Song at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards.

“Base” Original Version

Trainor was born and raised in Nantucket, Massachusetts, the daughter of Kelli (Jekanowski) and Gary Trainor.  She grew up with a musical family, and has been writing songs since she was 11 years old. The song and video are upbeat and enjoyable and conveys a positive “self love” message. On the negative side, the song has aired so much that it has had a negative impact by becoming a nuisance

Disturbing Cell Phone Images

Please if you are squeamish don’t view the finger and hand images created one hundred percent by cell phone. Using my Samsung Galaxy Note 3 and a simple symmetrical filter I created images of my hands. Somewhat interesting in that the photographs take on a personality of there own. The textures and image quality is really amazing.  I did use the standard frame selection then re sized all the disturbing images using a Play store app. Will list all the apps and filters.

Would love to know your thoughts and opinions on these photographs.

Cellular Park  The use of the cell phone as an art medium is an old idea. I strongly believe that using what one has to create something is very interesting. These photographs are of the Norwalk, Ct dog park. Just an amazing place, acres of park just for dogs to run free and mingle with each other.

Five Worst Hybrid Cars To Commit Suicide

The Means To Hybrid End

This article assumes that your decision to attempt suicide has already been made and the means of suicide has also been determined. With thousands of choices available to you in the method of suicide this article is specific to just one of those methods. The classic running automobile in the sealed  garage with death occurring from high levels of carbon monoxide poisoning or the variation of the theme, hose from exhaust to the interior of the drivers cabin.

Research and Information

Being a strong advocate of doing things well and with great care the list should only be used as a springboard on your journey of research and self destruction. The task of suicide is a very personal and private affair and should not be taken likely. Having available current information might save you needless embarrassment and keep you out of the suicide ward.

Alternative Suicide Methods

If all you have on hand is a hybrid automobile then you might need to get a bit creative with your suicide attempt. We already know that on almost all hybrids the engine shuts off when stopped or falls below a certain speed, making suicide impossible. If you are really motivated you could set up some kind of roller system, like a treadmill that your wheels would ride on thus allowing you to reeve the car up to the desired speed for the combustion engine to engage to create the exhaust. Or a more simple solution would be to just raise the drive wheels on a jack similar to the scene on Ferris Buellers Day off when they were trying to shed miles off the Ferrari by going in reverse.

Option Two:

The second option would be to raise the car up on jacks, place you body under the automobile  and kick out the jack with your feet thus crushing you. This method is better suited for heavier people but still only has a 9% success rate. Actually, this method might be more advantageous to attempt being that even when hybrid cars are running on fuel they are so efficient that the exhaust omissions are very small thus taking hours to complete the task of suicide. (Revert to pre 1980’s automobiles.)

Additional Problems With The Modern Automobile

Other major flaws in attempting to commit suicide by hybrid automobile or any modern car is air quality regulations on automobiles are very strict plus the addition of catalytic converters makes suicide a very difficult endeavor. Older cars without these converters contained up to twenty five percent carbon monoxide verses the newer automobiles that eliminate ninety nine percent of CO Produced. As a further complication, the amount of un-burned gasoline in emissions can make exhaust unbearable to breathe well before losing consciousness.

Supplies Needed

Items that would be of great help to complete the task of committing suicide:

  • Garage – not too large one car garage with low ceilings – The smaller the space the better for obvious reasons – takes less time to fill with CO
  • Long rubber hose – This is for option 2 attaching a hose from the exhaust to the inside of the drivers cabin. With this method garage size doesn’t matter and in fact you can pick any scenic setting to start your selfish act.
  • Roll of duct tape and old rags or clothing – Very useful for sealing up any open areas around windows or garage doors and to affix hose to the tailpipe.
  • Older vehicle maybe pre 1980 but new car will work in a pinch. (No Hybrids)
  • Something to read or pad and paper. Might take time to complete the task at hand plus you can spend time writing your suicide note or last Hubpages
  • Gasoline in the tank at least half tank – This is self explanatory and would be embarrassing to run out of fuel before death occurs.

The Worst Hybrid Cars To Commit Suicide

This brings us to the list of the worst Hybrid cars to attempt suicide with. Starting in reverse order from worst to absolute worst automobile: Source List

  1. Lexus CT 200h
  2. Honda Insight
  3. Honda Civic Hybrid
  4. Toyota Prius c
  5. Toyota Prius Liftback

In Hybrid Conclusion

From my countless hours of sifting through all the automobile specs and reading up on “green” technologies, I have concluded that Hybrid automobiles are a wonderful and viable m

Suicide is Never the Answer

The Hub was intended to be light and humorous but in reality attempting suicide is a very serious proposition and options and solutions do exist. Before considering suicide discus it with close friends or family. Use whatever means you have, articles, Hubs, forums, and help lines to get what you are feeling out. We all understand that sometimes life is just horrible, unbearable, and full of pain but suicide is not the best answer and also causes a lot of suffering to loved ones. I know, have lost a close friend to suicide and the damage of the act has destroyed the family. Listed below is a great source that has someone to talk to or you can just listen in on the chat rooms.


"Really" With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

“Really” the many faces of this wonderful word that can express an infinite array of emotions and feelings. Learn the secret of its proper use and when it’s appropriate to use such a powerful word.

“Really” With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

The word “really” is such a fantastic expression of any and all feelings that one needs to convey at any given moment that it can be used exclusively and without discrimination on gender, religion, or social background. The most appealing aspect of the usage of the word “really” is that it is not offensive in the sense of the more traditional swear words therefore very suitable to use on any occasion or event without exposing yourself to the sometimes hostile repercussions of the lower class usage of common cuss words.

Is “Really” Really Dated? Really?

“Really” by some standards may be a dated word…passé, and possibly grouped with such antiquated words such as “awesome”  or “cool” and the classic “groovy”. But unlike these examples, the word “really” can be slipped in unnoticed in any sentence without sticking out like a dog in a cat convention.

To properly use “really” depends on the situation and how it’s punctuated or dressed.  When the correct usage, tone, and timing has been implemented the word “really” takes on a life of its own and can be a very powerful friend. It can express concern, interest, be sarcastic, express anger, or any feeling that your imagination can create.

Question Really Most Powerful

The most common of all usage is the question, “really?” which is actually the most complex and can express a multitude of emotions. “That didn’t really happen, did it?” or “Is that really necessary?” or “Really?” usually in a sharp fast blurb which expresses interest. By the same token the word used again by itself, “reallllly?” with a long emphasis on the “LY” can express unbelief in what was just said. Once again the word “realllllllllllly?” with the extreme exaggeration of the “LLLLLLY” will express disinterest or sarcasm and will more often than not, leave your projected target wondering what the hell just happened?

Caution Using “Really” Exclamation

Exclamation following “really!” works well but may be considered a bit hostile in tone for most situations and my have undesired results. Of course proper use may also include exhilaration, extreme joy, or excitement such as when on a rollercoaster ride and you are screaming, “Reallllly!!!!!! all the way through the loop the loop. Other use of the exclamation may include  doing something really stupid…for example cutting off your toe with the lawnmower, actually in this example I would tend to resort to the more traditional swear words. Please practice caution when playing around with the exclamation, not for the amateur.

The tone is really the key for the perfect execution of “really” and one that needs much  practice to master. In general. your tone should always be firm and calm, own the word as if was something you really love.

Really Why Write About Really?

Bringing back the word “really” was out of frustration more than anything else, my need to have a defense against people, mostly strangers was needed to feel in control again, to have the last word…really. Standing at 6’1″ tall, thin but not unhealthy, I found myself in uncomfortable situations more and more often. Example, on many occasions during my visit to the local supermarket perfect strangers, always women that usually suffered from being horizontally challenged, found the need to express their opinion that I was too skinny. Totally oblivious to my feelings on the matter. Can you image if we all spoke exactly what we are thinking, everyone would be just overwhelmed in low self image.

With the amount of information and health hazards associated with obesity and my good nature, happy go lucky attitude, I simply utter the only word that is needed to tame the situation and so far has left the protagonist speechless…reallllllllyyyyyy?

Special: T-Shirt – “Really”

Story of Jenny

Story of Jenny

In a far off land, where the men were men and the women were too, lived the manliest man of all. Her name was Jenny. Said Jenny one day, “I must walk my fish before it gets cold.” And so she did. With leash, and whip, and fruit in hand, she set off with her fish only to find it shriveled up from some corrupt form of delinquent virus named Fred, and she decided to walk him instead. With Fred on the leash, she set the fruit in her hair and walked on a tightrope to the end of the street. The virus mutated into something like a man, and he and Jenny copulated wildly in a field for an hour or two. “My God,” said Jenny, “Just look at the time,” and she began to gyrate madly in a contorted and frantic lambada. “I must get home and water my head, or I’ll never grow any taller.”

With that Jenny ran off, leaving Fred to manifest his own destiny, alone and purple though he was. And how Jenny cried bitter tears for the iron sulfide of decades past, while she sat idly by, stirring her rancid tea.

“Why oh why must captivating landmarks be trifled with?” thought Jenny. “Is there no one out there who can save the red wagon from a life of despair? Woe is me, and woe that I must suffer from the wrongdoing of organic plastic containers. Is there no life after death?”

As Jenny was overwrought with emotion, she found it necessary to step on a small rock that cried out in triumphant glee as her foot descended upon it. What an honor it was to be smashed in such a frivolous manner; the rock was flattered. As it gradually grew flatter under Jenny’s foot, it slid away to play cards with a transparent opponent. Oh, how many things it would have to talk about!

Jenny turned around and smacked the air with her inflatable hand. The air in turn began to laugh as blood poured down its insane face. Eyes raced upwards as Jenny looked down suddenly, leaving them behind. On finding herself without sight, she reached into her pocket and threw the lint away. The pocket, having no other services to provide, flew upward to retrieve the suspended eyes. Instead of returning them, it fled silently away to await the coming dawn with feelings of guilt and rapture.

An aborted seahorse suddenly flipped upside down and provided a cane for the sightless Jenny, who collapsed in anguish. Two men and a duck happened by just then, laughing and pointing at Jenny’s prone body. They violated her with blunt tools and spread Crisco on her naked flesh.

Covered in feathers from the shedding duck, Jenny found it hard to keep from laughing. The men thought her mad and threw small brown lizards at her. She caught one and swallowed it quickly, feeling somehow revived. Spitting twice to her left, she became a noxious fluid and slipped away into something more comfortable.

Having thus become more at home, she found herself actually at home and prepared her dinner with a catatonic snake. Dressed in her best aluminum foil, she sat down to eat, vacuum cleaner in hand. As the dastardly machine roared into life, it sucked her vitality away and ate her red apple. “Damnit,” said Jenny. “Now I shall have to dance alone.” Turning on a silent record, she waltzed to the sound of a vomiting minister delivering the word of God. “Religion,” thought Jenny, “is what leaks from one’s ears like carrots through a sieve. If only God could learn to play a sport, fairness would be determined by the aging slime of great minds long forgotten.”

Thinking in this manner, Jenny lost control and became a pliant door. When she opened, a torrent of dead creatures came pouring forth from her keyhole. An assortment of razor-edged tongues landed and formed a circle around her, laughing and jeering in their taunting voices, “What is your life now, Jenny? And for whom have you played this silent game? Cry no more, and feel nothing but gangrenous consciences gnawing at your shoulder.”

“Yes!” cried Jenny. “Let my telephone be my guide!” So saying, she scrambled madly for a potted plant and made her first call. Uselessly dialing a cow for an hour, Jenny found herself connecting, not with a third party, but with the mammal in question. “My love, don’t ever leave me!” she cried, while Bessy mooed in a corner. A stream of milk leaked slowly from her defiled udder, and formed a shallow pool under an armchair. Putting on a swimsuit, Jenny jumped in and rapidly swam to the other side. She pulled herself up on a grassy bank and fell asleep, while aquamarine tadpoles polluted her flesh with sullen curses.

How long she slept while the sun fell away to be raped by the dark, the same dark that cooled Jenny’s head and forced her to wake when it entered her mouth. And when the night had been blown away, Jenny arose and walked to a roadside motel.

“I’d like a room for the day,” she told the desk clerk, and he led her away. Arriving at a porthole, he opened it for her and Jenny fell through. Furry turtles cushioned her fall as her spine crumpled in fright. She landed in a quivering mass and shook over to the sofa, where willing arms molded her yielding form into something more pleasing.

“Goodness,” said Jenny. “Now I am a man. This won’t do at all!” she exclaimed when her phallus tumbled down and lay coiled on the floor. After gathering up her endowments, Jenny proceeded to the bathroom, where the shower was. “Time for a wash,” she thought, as several men arrived to spit on her intermittently. Minutes later, when the naked Jenny stepped out, sparkling and clean, she saw herself in the hallway mirror, and screamed at what had been revealed. Covering herself with the available dust mice, she scurried away to find something with less teeth for her wardrobe.

Encountering a store on her right foot, she bandaged her ankle and went inside. The voluptuous salesman offered his help in a distastefully innocent way, and Jenny slapped him before making her purchase. Leaving the store with a fat person to hide behind, she sighed with relief and a sense of security. And upon finding a homeless person resting in her ear, she cleaned him out and left him to die on a two-way road. She ignored his happy singing and marched over him in stiletto heels, snapping his neck and collecting his teeth for a pretty charm bracelet. “Homeless people make such nice accessories,” she sighed.

Bounding along happily and nude in a concealing pocket of cellulite, Jenny was hypnotized by the swaying of the fat man’s buttocks. As her eyes glazed over, she pulled a mental flush and swirled away into her unconscious mind. The all-encompassing darkness deepened into a grisly scene of sunshine and love that left Jenny feeling sick. Happy couples bounded across rainbow fields of contentment and babies were well loved and cared for. There was no crime, no rape, no shattered and desperate dreams. There was only bliss. As Jenny came to herself, she found her mouth filled with vomit and smiled gratefully at the world around her, as she ruthlessly strangled Bambi’s mother. “Happiness is a delusion,” she thought, and a gang of crazed evangelists arrived to pull her hair.

When Jenny was bald, the men of God surrounded her fallen hair and set fire to her face. When her flesh slid off, it hardened and became scattered bits of human soul. With her life shattered and spread out before her, she was able to think clearly. She grabbed an orange and began to prostitute her talents while the evangelists ran off, singing the praises of the lord, and tripped on their faith as it stood in their path.

Jenny gathered her hair, her face, and draped her phallus over her shoulders as she began the treacherous climb out of the fat man’s chins. Taking leave of him, Jenny urinated on a bush for future identification and hopped three times to the left, where a taxi cab pulled over. “Driver, can you take me to Hell?” asked Jenny. The driver sucked on a bottle of vinyl cleaner and spit forth a soggy “Yes,” as he pulled away from the past. Jenny shed tears for the man she had left behind and the clothing she had lost. With nothing left to expose but her heart, Jenny resolved to cover herself with barbed wire and masking tape. The sharp points pierced her flesh and anchored themselves in, while Jenny covered her eyes with the tape and fastened them to the back seat of the cab, where she knew they would be safe. A millennium of seconds passed in less than an hour, and Jenny collected her morals from the trunk of the car. Several midget lepers began humping her lower leg, and fell apart when she said a harsh word. A nearby tree shed its bark in anguish and, voiceless, it turned to face the world.

An empty bottle flew past on its way to confusion and greeted Jenny kindly by giving her directions to the nearest pharmacy. Jenny ran there quickly and, stopping suddenly, recalled that she was lost. With no perception of distance and philosophy, she turned in uneven circles of lost hope and smiled widely in her morbid depression. Curling up to sleep in the road, Jenny was hit by a ship and catapulted across land, sea, and sky to where the earth was soft and filled with knives. Landing painfully, she pulled a dagger from her eye and plunged it into her leg. As bloody parasites poured out, they collected enough money to fund an artistic endeavor, and saved the whales as an afterthought.

Out of nowhere, Jenny grabbed a gnarled branch and gave a passing boy a spontaneous abortion. He looked twice at Jenny and fell in love, wildly salivating and convulsing in overwhelming terror. A small dog on its way to a dinner engagement performed a wedding ceremony and Jenny raised a family in an hour. Four rectangular children caught together in a knot of umbilical cords and fell down in a massive heap of pain and afterbirth. Cutting them apart from each other, Jenny left them to die alone. As she wandered off into next week she asked herself, “Why must children die? And why must sullen animals dance in the evenings?” And suddenly, life was well again as Jenny blocked off all thought and feelings for a lost and long-dead ideal of humanity and a spider’s place in a Playboy centerfold.

Sunlight, dancing her vile strip-tease, performed her erotic contortions across the orange sky and worked small forest creatures into an excited frenzy. A neurotic gypsy wandered next door to solicit a cup of sugar and was greeted by a sensuous housewife, clad only in an apron and a smile. Jenny came upon them slowly and asked to join their verbal ballet. Their silent rebuke resounded wildly in her padded mind and she ran off to join a cloister of nuns.

Sister Bruce, taking a stroll in the gardens, paused long enough to smell the roses and molest a dead fly. Jenny waltzed into his frail world and, caught with his habit around his ankles, Sister Bruce dropped his fly and forced a smile. Gazing upon this child of God, he wondered at the miracle of life and gasped in horror as it was revealed to him in full. Casting aside this knowledge, he took Jenny by the arm and guided her to a building of Hell. Violently, he pushed her inside and locked the door with his tears. In the face of such unrelenting pity, Jenny was helpless and alone. As the barren lack of life engulfed her, she was consumed with anguish and cried out bitter words to keep her company. Realizing that she was trapped in nothing, Jenny kept herself from the sharp edge of her bloodthirsty mind by gnawing at her fragile wrist. Blood flew from the open wound and provided her with red-stained visions.

An open doorway appeared, temptingly, in front of her and ran away on spindly legs. When it came around again, Jenny reached for its knob, only to have it wilt in her hand. Though she tried it again and again, she found it harder to grasp a tangible object and sanity began slipping through her fingers. Sobbing and yelling and beating her head against the grey, unyielding wall of her cell, she felt her skull begin to crack under the tremendous pressure. Thick, pussy fluid oozed out of an opening in her left eye and spilled itself onto the floor. The cold cement absorbed the fluid and became obsessed with itself. As it ran off to find a cracked mirror, Jenny plunged through the hole it left behind and landed in a harem of naked, writhing people. She found herself becoming a part of this twisted orgy and realized that struggling was useless. Unexpectedly, a rubber cylinder invaded her throat and she choked when she tried to breathe. Her skin was torn from her body, leaving her with nothing to hide behind. She was terrified. With no friends to help her, and her parents discarded long ago, she was without love. Reaching out with steel claws, she tore her heart out and pressed it in her hands. The pulsing, membranous sack was helpless in her grasp, and she threw it on the floor in disgust. A coupling couple, disregarding its presence, rolled over it and left the bloody pulp to decompose on its own. Having gotten her cheap revenge, Jenny grabbed the nearest man and put him on a pedestal, only to be severely crushed when he fell from his lofty position.

“Are men really useless? Is love a dead ideal? And what am I doing wrong?” she screamed into the ambiguous mass. No answer was forthcoming and she hid herself in a small corner of her mind where no one could find her. No one cared.

Emerging from her haven nine days later, Jenny peered out at the world around her. Massive fires were burning and people were screaming as flame was introduced to flesh. Wondering if this was her destiny, she bravely stepped forward, only to be denied absolution. Provoked by intuition and an unseen cattle prod, she ventured into an alley.

A gorgeous woman, clad only in her sins, stood tall and proud against the hard brick wall. A band of yellow dwarves lifted jagged boulders and heaved them at their beautiful target. As the first missile connected, a sickening crunch pervaded the atmosphere and flooded the world with pain. Cries of “not guilty” ran rampant in the streets as every man, woman, and child took a hypocritical shot at the defenseless woman. One by one, the rocks flew like accusations and pounded her down into death. Jesus freaks gorged themselves on impure blood and sucked an unprotected fetus from her womb. Having feasted on petty misdemeanors, they left to justify their actions. Man and brother fought each other to be the first to confess his sins and receive forgiveness. The hand of God came down and carried them home to their boring, pious lives while Jenny vomited repeatedly in an unseen corner.

Having purged herself satisfactorily, Jenny began to see the lighter side of the matter, and laughter invaded the silent street. Slowly, she approached the battered corpse and gazed at the bloody mess it had become. Prodding it with her foot, she turned it over and stepped on its head. Having thus stamped out her fear in the face of death, she waltzed away with a feeling of accomplishment.

The sun shone down on her and gave her its approval with a wink and a lecherous leer. It propositioned her with false warmth and rays of hope, and she dodged his advances with a cheap bottle of spoiling sunscreen.

All creatures great and small congregated on a soiled park bench and failed to have any pity for her. Feeling very strongly that they resented her presence, Jenny decided to be there twice as much. A man arriving with a dolphin on a leash proceeded to flog it mercilessly. The tortured animal strained to get away, but eventually crumpled in defeat. Approaching Jenny cautiously, he inserted a key in her back and she ran off to cook him dinner in sexy black lingerie. After three days she produced something that looked unlike spaghetti, and the man consumed it through voracious pores in his left hand.

Jenny contorted in wrenching spasms at the thought of domestic life and endless calm. The horror of a new dimension rebounded in the plasticized arena of her soul. It disgusted her with the wandering lustre of an amber figure engulfed in flame, and she collapsed with the weight of her shame. Jenny vowed to change her life and, feeling comforted by the familiar lie, ran off until the sky ended and nothing could be seen but overpowering blackness. In these concealing surroundings, Jenny pulled the blanket in her mind over her head and fell asleep.

Plagued by dreams of hideous beasts with contemptuous, smiling faces, she screamed, and twisted, and woke up feeling paranoid and weak. She climbed her way out of the darkness quickly and uneventfully, until she recognized her own house and entered through a hole under the doormat.

Once in the uncomfortably familiar surroundings, Jenny became herself and threw away the cheerful facade. Thoughts of suicide running through her head, she began to cry silent, self-loathing tears. Her life, a turmoil spinning in front of her eyes, she set up a roadblock and forced the unpleasant thoughts to take a lengthy detour. Sinking bonelessly to the floor, she closed her mind and wrapped herself in an illogical blanket, woven throughout with lies and words of explanation. “I want to die,” she thought, and grinned at her coffee table.

Hours later, Jenny came out of her blanket and began to pace around frantically, screaming wildly at her head to just shut up and leave her alone. Thoughts tumbled over each other and crowded around her frontal lobe, cigarettes in hand, and prepared to settle in for a while. A syringe, well hidden behind her heart, fell out of her mouth and she shot up with a dose of uncut obscurity. She nodded off into oblivion.

A telephone began ringing, and Jenny swam home to answer it. The shrill voice of AT&T ripped through her brain like ice picks driven into defenseless animals. Insane with agony, she managed a gut-wrenching “Hello?” before she realized that several potted plants were desperately in need of a good watering. Responsibility overwhelmed her, and Jenny dropped the phone in the sink and turned on the faucet. Tap water burbled away happily, deep in conversation with the nylon stocking who had called.

Jenny, opening cabinets and drawers at random, finally located a butter knife and began using it to saw away at her wrist. Pieces of skin flaked away and drifted into small piles at her feet. When, at last, blood began to pour out in a thick, red waterfall, Jenny threw the knife away and used self-pity to tape her wound open. She watched the pretty flow of death that smelled like copper, until all she could see was waves of darkness. Jenny sighed happily and shrugged indifferently at her life. Sirens in the distance coming closer, words of sympathy, kindness offered in the monotones of a machine; she ignored it all. Deciding that she didn’t want herself anymore, Jenny offered herself up to the highest bidder and, shutting her body down completely, began to wait.

And no one came.