The Abusive Outcome is Never Good

The reasons why some women seek abusive men will vary. It could be one reason, or a combination of several. Unfortunately, the outcome of these relationships can be disastrous, and will certainly do more harm than good to the self-confidence of women. Those who take the time to understand why they continue to wind up with bad men may be able to finally break the cycle.

One of the top reasons women draw in abusive men is that they see the man as a project of sorts. Women mistakenly assume that they can magically transform a bad man into a good man, a man that is compassionate, honest, and sincere.. The truth is, no matter how much time and effort is invested, there is no way to change the core of a person. They must do this on their own.

Bad men may seem more exciting than a nice guy. This excitement is often enough to draw women in, at which point they may realize that this person is exciting because he is not mentally stable. Even worse, the fun excitement can quickly turn into the unwanted type, which could be verbal, mental, and physical abuse. Women may stay in these situations for the previous reason. They believe that they can change this, and stop it from happening.

Often women wind up with horrible men simply because the man pursued her. Often times, aggressive men are also aggressive in their pursuit of women. This can be quite flattering at first, as everyone wants to be wanted. This is not to say that every man that comes on strong will be an abuser, but this is a red flag that women can watch out for when considering their next relationship.

Note: The choice to include this very graphic video was a simple one. Abuse and violence are not pretty nor can they be sugar coated. This one minute video gets a message across. Warning, Very Graphic Vimeo Video.

[su_vimeo url=”″]

The Cycle Continues

One of the saddest reasons why women may seek a horrible man is that they wish to replicate the relationship they had with their father. Women may do this without even realizing it. If the relationship with the father was abusive in any way, women may seek a man that provides this, as it is familiar behavior to them. This may be the hardest pattern to break, as on the surface, no woman realizes that they are actually doing this.

The most common reason is most likely low self-confidence. When self-confidence is low, women may not feel that they are worthy of being loved by a good man, and will automatically seek out men that they feel are on the same level as they are. Positive affirmations and a change in how a woman views herself will go a long way in correcting this behavior.

What is most important is that this cycle is broken as soon as possible. Mental and physical damage can result while in a relationship with a horrible man. The longer this goes on, the harder it can be to recover. Those who find themselves in one bad relationship after another should take the action that is required to break the pattern. There are many self-help books that may be helpful. Therapy is yet another option, as it may help women get to the root cause of why they are allowing these relationships to continue.

“They Seemed So Happy”

Domestic violence or abuse usually happens behind closed doors and friends or family may not even suspect anything is wrong. Please, if you are in an abusive situation just seek out some help and remove yourself from the problem, talk to your friends, family, or counselor. Abuse is not part of life…

Staggering Abuse Statistics

  • 1 in 4 women report experiencing domestic violence in their lifetimes.[1]
  • 2 million injuries and 1,300 deaths are caused each year as a result of domestic violence.[2]
  • All cultural, religious, socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds are affected by domestic violence.[3]
  • Nearly 2.2 million people called local and national domestic violence hotlines in 2004.[4]
  • More than 1.35 million people accessed domestic violence victim services in 2005.[5]

Excerpt Information from [su_divider]

peachpurple 4 weeks ago from Mother EarthLevel 7 Commenter

maybe they misunderstood that men were there to keep them safe, but was wrong

nicolas-ray profile image

nicolas-ray 4 weeks ago from Stamford, CT

Thanks Peachpurple,

I think that may be true, regardless of the reason it should never be part of someones life. Myself, I would give my life to protect my wife, family, and even my friends, but once again I don’t have a deep desire to abuse anyone. I think the issue for a majority of women stems from childhood abuse from a dad, brother, or guardian. I would image that breaking what you are familiar with is difficult I have a friend that is in constant jeopardy from her husband but she denies the issue. Ultimately, there is no clear answer except to remove yourself from the danger.

Susan Guinn profile image

Susan Guinn 4 weeks ago from FloridaLevel 1 Commenter

Peach purple There is a saying, “Hurt People, Hurt people!”In counseling people, I have learned that is very true. When they have been at the hands of an abuser, they become abusive. For some reason their self esteem is very low, and usually end up with people who abuse.

nicolas-ray profile image

nicolas-ray 4 weeks ago 

That I think is the key, low self esteem, the feeling that they are nothing because that is what they were told countless times growing up. Like I said before one of my friends, every guy that she goes out with is a creep of sorts, verbal and a few times physical abuse. It is at the point that she thinks all men are like that. She has no faith or trust in anyone. Very sad and just don’t know how to help anymore.

MonkeyShine75 profile image

MonkeyShine75 3 weeks agoLevel 3 Commenter

Great hub, and an interesting subject

People mirror back to us the qualities we like, and dislike about ourselves.

Every relationship we have reflects who we are, and what we think we need, lack etc. The other person will fill a need in us, whether it be a need for love, or a need to abuse ourselves.

The need could also be to find a man just like dad. If dad was abusive, our man will probably be abusive too

nicolas-ray profile image

nicolas-ray 3 weeks ago from Stamford, CTHub Author

Thank You MonkeyShine75,

I find this to be true most of the time, good partners fill the gap that the other lacks. The only thing that just doesn’t make sense is why would a partner search for someone that is abusive? The only conclusions that I can find is that it is the only type of relationship they have experienced. It comes down to self image, feeling of inadequacy, self destructive personality. Like I mentioned before, I have a friend that every man that she has a relationship with turns out to be the worst experience. It’s horrible and very depressing. Thank You again for your input.

Love your article which is related to this one.

MonkeyShine75 profile image

MonkeyShine75 3 weeks agoLevel 3 Commenter

Thank you Nicolas I have added a link at the end of my article to this one, under capsule heading “Recommended Reading”

I appreciate you 🙂

Hope Centre profile image

Hope Centre 3 weeks ago

Great hub..!.I agree with the idea of woman having a low self esteem. That makes her a target of abuse.

nicolas-ray profile image

nicolas-ray 3 weeks ago from Stamford, CTHub Author

Thank You Hope Centre,

What is more disturbing are the men that seek these women with the idea of abuse. Actually, I will make it a point to start researching that angle. “Bad men and what is the motivation behind them” Take care.


MonkeyShine75 profile image

MonkeyShine75 3 weeks agoLevel 3 Commenter

by Michael J Formica MS, MA, EdM

Abusive relationships are driven by insecurity, fear that feeds that insecurity and an expectation of inconsistency, both real and perceived.

Let’s say the man is the abuser, and the woman the abused, because it can be the other way around

An abuser is extremely insecure. he has little sense of her own social value and makes an effort to gain or re-gain some outward appearance of that value through domination and control. The fear that feeds that insecurity has two fronts: fear of not being lovable, and fear of appearing weak. The paradox here is that the abuser is, in fact, weak, which is why he abuses — in order to maintain a sense of control — in the first place. The perceived inconsistency on the part of the abuser by the victim is that the victim is not submitting to the abuser’s domination.

The victim is also very insecure and for surprisingly similar reasons. She also has little sense of her own social value, but makes an effort to establish that value by losing herself to the demand for submission. The fear that feeds this insecurity is also about not being lovable or loved, and there is a willingness to accept the inconsistency of the abuser’s attention for the sake of being loved.

The pathological need to control on the part of the abuser and the pathological need for attention on the part of the victim is a match made in heaven. These people tend to be just a bunch of neurotic habits that tend to find a fit with their opposite to create a psychosocial balance. Abusive relationships are one of the most extreme cases of this dynamic.